Toxic Shame Definition: Intergenerational Trauma, Toxic Shame & Addiction
Addiction takes over survival pathways in the brain and is not a conscious choice.
Childhood traumatic events are often carried down generationally. Even if there has been no obvious trauma in the home, the adaptive coping mechanisms the prior generation used to deal with their trauma are passed down to the next generation. In fact, there is much evidence of the epigenetic factor that is at play. This is how the DNA structure in an individual changes as a result of the trauma they have experienced. This is then passed down biologically to their children.
Shame is a very hard emotion to deal with. Unlike sadness which allows us to cry and release the pain or anger which allows us to scream until we feel a little better, shame makes us simply want to hide and be small. There is no relief in playing small. We freeze when we feel shame. There is such a thing as healthy shame, which allows us to feel safe and to be accepted by others. But toxic (pervasive) shame is another thing altogether.
“ Shame drives two big tapes in your mind: “Never good enough” and “Who do you think you are?”
Trauma survivors are usually thinking something is wrong with them
When we have poor attachment to our primary caregiver when we are young, a rupture in the relationship develops which causes a disconnection in ourselves. The toxic shame definition also includes the impact that societal norms and expectations can have on an individual's sense of shame and self-worth. The trauma survivor believes, “There is something wrong with me.” An inner critic is created in the child’s mind that takes over for the abuser or critical parent, and some of these characteristics can develop and be reinforced within the child:
Be in control of your feeling and behaviors at all times.
Always be perfect and right about everything. The child can never truly measure up to this standard.
Blame yourself or others when things don’t turn out as you planned for them to.
Blame-shifting is a very common reaction to shame.
Always follow the family rules and mottos and deny your own rights and beliefs.
Don’t trust anyone and you will never be disappointed.
Even though we can’t recognize them because they are usually subconscious, these rules of shame are passed down generationally. Shame also binds with other emotions and disallows the other emotions to be experienced, felt, or expressed. The shame/anger bind is an example, as the shame/joy bind, and the shame/grief bind. Shame takes over for these other emotions, and if a survivor tries to express anger, joy, or sadness they are shamed even more for expressing those feelings. Shame is actually there to protect the survivor so that he or she is not shamed even more. Those who judge, blame, and shame others do this unconsciously. Their shame is hidden from their conscious awareness. They hurt people this way as a way to offload their own pain from their inner shame. This is another way that shame is carried on intergenerationally.
Self-abandonment also happens as a result of being shamed. Without a need to survive, the survivor will turn on themselves and take the side of their abuser. They believe the negative words and beliefs about themselves that their abuser tells them, which grooms them to be submissive and to stay small. Young children simply cannot survive if they believe their parents are at fault or flawed, so they internalize these messages and make it their own fault instead.
The toxic shame definition encompasses feelings of shame that are pervasive, overwhelming, and often interfere with daily functioning. It is no wonder how addictions and compulsive behaviors are created. No one sets out to become an addict—they simply want to feel better than the situation their trauma created for them. This is why looking down on addicts is not helpful for them. Addictions are created when someone wants to distance themselves from their pervasive shame. They want to numb away intense emotions or feel like they are a normal part of society when the shame that lives with them won’t allow them to feel okay much of the time. This adaptive coping mechanism creates even more shame and becomes maladaptive later on when the addiction harms them and others in their lives.
“Addiction is any behavior that gives a person a temporary relief and pleasure, but also has negative consequences, and to which the individual will return time and again.”
Recognizing and addressing the toxic shame definition can be important in healing from trauma.
It’s all about improving overall emotional and psychological health at the end of the day. Compassion for where a person has been in their lives would be a lot more productive to an addict who is really only hiding from the pain of their shame. We simply have no clue what anyone has really been through in their lives. It could have been way worse than anyone can ever imagine. Furthermore, just because you might not personally have a substance addiction does not mean that it is not real for the people who do.
Exploring the toxic shame definition can provide insight into how shame operates in individuals and society at large. I believe we need to take away the stigma and judgment about many mental health issues in this world so that we can help each other thrive. Adding to the shame that someone already feels as a result of their trauma or abuse only compounds the problem.
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Credits: Brené Brown, Gabor Maté, M.D.
