Practicing Non-Attachment: What About Indifference?
Letting go of the outcome of things is the key to ending internal suffering.
What exactly is non-attachment? Sometimes people think it is an “I don’t care” mentality, but it’s not like that at all. In fact, non-attachment allows you to BE in the present moment and be mindful while surrendering to WHAT IS—about your partner, children, parents, friends, job, and people in general.
Non-attachment is also not necessarily a spiritual term. It can be used to help us stop adaptive coping strategies that have turned maladaptive such as being addicted to other people (codependent) and how they live their lives. When we suffer less, we can often stop other compulsive habits such as over-consuming alcohol, drugs, and food. Gambling, sex, and shopping behaviors can also be worked on more effectively once we feel calmer and more at ease within ourselves.
Everyone is on their own journey, and to judge anyone else for where they are right now takes you out of the present moment. It creates suffering for you because you expect them to be “better,” “different,” “happier,” “less of a total mess up as a human,” “more giving or loving,” etc. You get the point.
While it is certainly understandable that we want our loved ones to be happier, healthier, have jobs and go to them regularly, not drink to excess or whatever we want for them, it is definitely not our place to stand in the way of their decisions. After all, it is their mistake to make and to learn from, right? And, by the way, this is for the adults in our lives, not the children. I figure you have between birth and 18 years old to teach your children your values and what you want them to take on. However, after 18, if they choose to have other values for themselves, that is what it is.
Make no mistake, dear friends, this is undoubtedly easier said than done! But it is something to aspire to because it does not mean that we don’t care about their lives, that we don’t love them, or that we just walk off in a huff because they won’t stop being stubborn. When we start down this pathway, we get into indifference and act like we don’t care. This is when it becomes more of a pouting, disinterested, and victim attitude than one of truly letting go with love in your heart.
The only way we truly get to acceptance and practicing non attachment is by feeling our actual, true feelings first.
The secret to getting to non-attachment is to accept that you are sad, enraged, confused, disappointed, frustrated, or however, you feel and feel it. The only way we truly get to acceptance and non-attachment is by FEELING our true feelings first. That is the grieving process. We cannot fully let go of someone or something that we have “lost” until we go through the shock/denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and THEN acceptance. When we decide to accept before grieving and feeling the loss, we become indifferent and bitter, jaded, and hard.
And, just to be clear, when people don’t do what we want them to do, that is considered some type of loss just as much as if we actually lose a person to death or to being broken up with or when we lose a job or something of great value that we cherished.
When we have grieved and gotten to acceptance, we also start taking things less personally. We start to really resonate (not only know it mentally but also feel it deeply in our bodies, in our innate knowing) with the idea that anything anyone is doing is about THEM and not about US. No one is trying to hurt anyone else. They are operating from their traumas, perceptions, values, and beliefs. They do not actively think that they want to hurt you or anyone else. They are trying to figure out life and to survive. And making mistakes is the best way to learn and grow. Pain is a very effective motivator for change.
Can you feel how nice it would be not to take anything personally and to not really have a strong need to have a certain outcome from anyone anymore? And the paradox is that once you stop sending out that needy and expecting energy, people often rise up to the occasion more and will meet us where we are. That is not true for everyone, but it definitely does happen the more we let go of expectations.
Thriving and practicing non attachment is freeing
When you are living in a space of non-attachment, you just don’t let anyone affect your sense of well-being anymore. You are content simply taking care of yourself—and you are the priority, remember? When we mind our business and are calm and at peace, people want to be around us more, near our loving and peaceful energy. They might even ask you how you are so peaceful and calm in such a scary and uncertain world. They might even want to have what you have and will start to awaken to their higher pathway simply from your loving radiance and inner peace.
In contrast, we create a lot of fear in this world by expecting people to follow our beliefs and values. We can be different and have different opinions, beliefs, and gods we pray to. If someone’s soul isn’t saved because they don’t follow your religion, that is between them and their god. It’s no one’s job to save anyone else’s soul. Your soul and mine are much stronger and wiser than our human selves. They know what to do. So, let’s leave everyone alone to do what they need to do; their mistakes will help them learn. People create their own consequences and karma. They will eventually figure it out. However, this doesn’t mean staying in their lives in a way that harms you. If they are causing you pain, move away emotionally but love them from a distance. This is unconditional love.
You can support people and be there as friends but not as their teacher, dictator, or savior. That is not your job. If someone asks you for help, do what you can to help them but don’t take over and tell them what to do. Let them come to their own internal knowing because they have innate and intuitive knowledge about what is best for them. We all do. I am practicing non-attachment by letting go of my expectations and desires and simply accepting things as they are.
Practicing non-attachment improves our relationships with others because we are compassionate when we come from this place. We have done our inner work— felt out the pain, showing ourselves compassion, and now we don’t feel the need to pull others along. This gives us more space to really love people and accept them where they are right now. You are calm, confident, and curious when you are non-attached to the outcome of things. This is your standing in your authentic self, too.
When you are in the space of non-attachment, you are no longer defined by anyone or anything that is outside of you. You can control your feelings fully instead of trying to control anyone else.
This is true liberation!
I hope this article has helped you in some way today.
