It Is Not Selfish to Love Yourself: Navigating External Judgment and Embracing Self-Care
Caring too much about what others think about you is a recipe for disaster.
We have all been there. We are humans, and humans need a connection to feel loved, safe, and belong. This is especially true of our tribe, clan, people, and family. No one wants to be ostracized and shunned for being “different” or for choosing their own path. Choosing to prioritize self-love and self-care is a powerful reminder that it is not selfish to love yourself and nurture your own well-being or identity.
When we go against the family’s or group’s motto, rules, and norms, we run the risk of “gettin’ a talkin’ to” about how we need to straighten up, stay the course, and do the “right” thing so as not to make the system “look bad.” It doesn’t matter if what you want to do isn’t actually “bad.” If it’s “different” than what is expected, it is “bad.”
We are all put on this planet to do our own lives—not anyone else’s—including our family’s. We are all on these individual journeys and need different people at different times. But, when you care about what “they” think, it makes living your own life rather tricky. When you have been made to feel shame for being you (meaning your feelings, desires, and beliefs are not allowed or accepted), you have a really hard time moving away from the expectations those others have for you. You end up tossing aside your dreams, ambitions, true love, your best job, or even having a secure financial situation. Heck, you can even be sabotaged by your own partner when trying to lose weight or get healthier.
Why does this happen? Well, those others are used to you being a certain way, and it is threatening on some level when anyone changes—even if it’s for the better. This is human nature. If you change, then what? “What happens to ME when YOU change?” “What does this mean about me?” “What does this say about us?” “Will you find someone better if you slim down?” “Will you abandon me?” Ahhh, there she is. That is at the heart of EVERYTHING—the “A” word: Abandonment.
Your people may not want you to change out of their own fear that you might discard them once you change. You might not think they are worthy of you anymore. You might toss them out and find better. You won’t be following their plan for your life anymore, and their plan for you ultimately makes THEM feel in control and SAFE. Scary stuff right here.
Abandonment is at the heart of why people do not cheer for you to choose yourself.
There are subconscious beliefs that determine why you stay stuck in a pattern of people pleasing and doing what “they” want. It’s not really as simple as telling yourself over and over again that what they think doesn’t matter. It very much DOES matter to parts of you that have been living in this pattern and this system your entire life. And those parts do not want to give up their role of protecting you from possible destruction. This is very much what these parts believe, too. There is a safety in staying the same, after all.
You have a role in your personal system. That role might be to be the “good daughter” or the “responsible, even-keeled sister” or the “scapegoat brother” who everyone needs to blame and put their shame onto in order to be relieved of their own. Now, you might not want to be this role anymore, and kudos to you for this!
Change is not always so easy, as we know, but change is always possible. When you were little, you needed to play certain roles in your system. Now that you are an adult, you get to change whatever you want to change about yourself. This might frighten or make your people angry. This is quite normal for many. Changing might feel like you are abandoning them and that you might be abandoned by them. This is why we often stay in our roles for a lifetime. But, you might want to consider the importance of being the generational trauma “changer.” You can be a “wayshower” if you so choose. There might be some bumps along the way as your people get used to this new change. But, I will argue that you living your BEST life for you can allow for your people to start to choose better for themselves. You can be the embodied example of what self-love looks and acts like.
And, how wonderful is this? You get to be the one who STOPS the dysfunctional patterning for both past and future generations. This is INSANELY powerful! Yes, you can actually impact your PAST generations, too, when you decide to choose another way. When you simply stand around embodying self-love, you radiate it to others who can then decide for themselves if they are ready to embody it, too. We all have the power to love ourselves. It’s a foundational aspect of ourselves that is meant to be realized, not just some lofty ideal.
We all are born loving ourselves. It is as important as breathing and just as basic to our lives. We are then conditioned to believe that fear and limiting beliefs are real and true. We are taught to choose others and that, if we don’t, we will be sold to the circus or left on the side of the road. So, we adapt and we become smaller and not so self-loving, because that can get us hurt or neglected. Parents will sometimes tell their happy and self-loving child to, “Stop being so big fer yer britches” or roll their eyes dismissively at them or other such disempowering statements and actions that create self-hate and kill self-love.
Remember, it is not selfish to love yourself. Choosing to love yourself may face resistance from others who may not understand or appreciate your self-focused journey. However, their disapproval does not define your worth or the validity of your self-care choices.
Are we clear that it is not selfish to love yourself? Self-love is the best!
When we learn to love ourselves again, we realize this is simply another word for “inner peace,” which is a very neutral and non-harming energy. When we learn to stop abandoning our own needs and desires and to love ourselves again, we choose what we want, and we allow the ones in our lives who are feeling upset about it to have their own feelings about it. They will probably be okay eventually—or maybe they will not. It depends on them and the fears and false beliefs they are hanging onto from their own conditioning.
By realizing it is not selfish to love yourself, you empower yourself to live authentically. You honor your needs and create a foundation of self-acceptance that allows you to radiate love and compassion toward others more meaningfully and balanced.
I believe that we all want to and must choose our own freedom and happiness. Otherwise, why are we here? Life is meant to be a joyful expression of our divinity, not a prison where we must follow our tribe’s rules for our entire lives. To be mistreated and dictated to by our people is detrimental to our health on every level of our being. The stress alone can create inner havoc and disease in the body and mind.
Choose yourself and see how you feel. Be free!
