Emotional Abuse Recovery Steps: Unveil Confusion & Reclaim Your Power

It happens in every part of our lives, but can you spot it?

“Emotional abuse is widely accepted”

Ouch! Did I say this right? Emotional abuse is a very insidious and subtle type of abuse, and normally we can’t even tell we are being abused until we tune into how it makes us feel inside our bodies. So many of us have been conditioned to leave our bodies and to take care of others’ feelings, and we often miss it when we are being belittled, gaslighted, manipulated, and controlled by someone. In fact, since it is so common, many of our friends and family members are both being emotionally abused and are also the perpetrators of it.

Navigating emotional abuse recovery steps can be a transformative journey, allowing individuals to break free from the cycle of abuse, heal emotional wounds, and regain a sense of self-worth and empowerment. Yes, we have all been emotionally abused at one time or another. It is simply because it can be a very common way to parent and operate in our codependent family systems and romantic relationships.

In this respect, let’s try to be gentle with ourselves because, had we known better, we would have likely done better, right?

Why is this such a common and even socially accepted type of abuse? First of all, I don’t think it really is CONSCIOUSLY socially accepted. This is still very much on an unconscious collective level. But it is being brought to the light to heal it, which is great! It’s kind of like how physical abuse used to be the thing to do in order to parent the “right” way, remember? And now we know better. We are learning now that emotional and verbal abuse is not okay. When we consider this consciously, we don’t think that spanking, hitting, burning, biting, or throwing our children or partners is okay, or that name-calling is just fine. Still, at one time, it was taught that not doing this would create absolute anarchy with our young or our “wayward” spouses.

Now, being talked down to with sarcasm, being gaslighted (although tough, tough to spot!), and being manipulated and controlled by our partners is becoming a big no-no as well. Again, consciously, why would we ever accept this? But, this is unconscious for many of us, and this is how we do things in the world right now. Most of us aren’t aware of this on a conscious level (yet!), and we follow along kind of blindly until a few start to heal and bring this into consciousness or question it, and then things can change. How often can I say “conscious” and “unconscious” in one paragraph?

We need to identify things consciously and take proactive emotional abuse recovery steps. By seeking professional support, building a strong support network, and practicing self-care, individuals can gradually regain control over their lives and forge a path toward emotional well-being.

Where did we learn emotional abuse is okay?

Well, as with anything else, we learn this first as children. Caregivers might say things like, “If you really loved me, you would…” or “How could you treat me this way after all I have done for you?” This is melodramatic and uncalled for with children who, developmentally, HAVE to be egocentric when they are young. This is not a personal attack on you, Mom or Dad. When abusive parents start to call their children names or laugh at them when they are being vulnerable (i.e., feeling things like sadness, anger, fear, or joy or performing—singing, acting, dancing—laughing or talking a lot, screaming in joy or pain), they feel ashamed and unsafe in their bodies.

Then, they start to shame themselves and, in short order, abandon themselves to appease the abusers and to “stop doing it wrong.” They start to feel like they are inherently bad people if they don’t do everything in their power to have their abusers’ backs (over their own) and do it the way the abuser thinks is best. After all, the child thinks their caregivers love them, right? They must surely have their best interests at heart, no? Yes, the caregivers think this is real, unconditional love, and they are also taught, like everyone else, that this is the best parenting practice. They usually learn this from their own parents, who learned it from theirs, and on and on. So, although it causes much harm, it is really no one’s fault. But it IS our responsibility to change it if we so choose.

Guilt, guilt, and more guilt.

So, from then on, guilt and toxic shame are our constant motivators, and this becomes our pattern and the path of least resistance. We become students, friends, and adults who are targets for abusers to come in and easily abuse us more. Abusers seem to have a sixth sense that we will naturally feel guilty if we don’t cater to people, and this is like a pig in mud to an abuser. Yee haw! And, as we have determined, when we learn as young children that it is safer to please our abusers than to have our own backs, we start to feel guilt and shame whenever we choose our own desires over anyone else’s, especially if the abuser has love-bombed us into believing we are their “everything” and that they “need” us so much. This is total bull. Sorry to trigger some, but no grown adult needs anyone to save them. Life is not an actual fairytale. Men are not supposed to be needed to the point of losing themselves and their own dreams, and women aren’t helpless. Love is about balance, freedom to be who we truly are, and give and take. I’ll get to that later.

And, oh, how funny it must be for the abuser to know they don’t have to work very hard to get us to do their bidding. They can say all the nice things in the world and never have actually to follow them with any action, and there we are, just lapping up their lies and their intermittent breadcrumbs. But when they feel any abandonment from us, we have to jump as high and as far as they can crocodile tears to make them feel loved and okay. “If you really loved me, you would never talk to that person again.” “If you cared, you would tell your family you hate them because they are not nice to me.” This is called “isolation,” and the abuser will ensure we only have eyes for them. Our friends, family, career, and interests always have to play second fiddle to the emotionally manipulative abuser.

“If you really cared about me you would…”

Other statements that we might pay attention to are, “You are so crazy.” (When we express any emotion, they don’t want to take responsibility for causing it in some way—by hurting us or betraying our trust, not because anyone can actually “make” us feel anything. Or, even when we are feeling joy, and they feel jealous of our happiness. Misery loves company, and we aren’t allowed to be happier than the abuser, don’t you know?!?!) Other statements include, “If you leave me, I will kill myself,” or “Why don’t you do it my way? I am smarter and know better.” These are demeaning statements and make us feel less than others. When someone we love and trusts gaslights us by telling us that our opinions, feelings, or thoughts don’t matter or are wrong, they are aiming to change our reality so that we side with their opinions and agendas. Having our own mind is a threat to an emotional abuser. If we look too good, are smart, or have a good personality, we might find someone better and abandon them. Abandonment is an abuser’s worst fear.

And, we just want peace, right? From an early age, we were taught to do whatever it takes just to get along with the people we love the most in the world. So, of course, we side with them just to get back to calmer waters. We start to think that it’s not even worth it to have the fight repeatedly. After all, we have been disowning our own feelings and beliefs for so long…we can just do it again… forever and ever, if that’s what it takes to end this uncomfortable confrontation. Right?

What happens to us when we continually shove things under the rug for others? We become very angry and resentful. We are sovereign beings who are powerful, intelligent, and capable of making our own decisions, choices, and mistakes. When we are not allowed to feel what we feel, always have to take the side of someone we love, or else face punishment, rejection, or abandonment, and have to be perfect all the time for that person, it takes its toll on us. We are not only carrying our own pent-up pain and baggage from our entire lives, but now we also carry the other person’s stuff. It is so heavy!

Ask yourself: Is it REALLY my job to carry my loved one’s emotional issues and my own? Is love really about this? Is life meant for me to carry someone else when my stuff is already very heavy? Is it?

Best emotional abuse recovery steps and feelings to consider

Seek Professional Support: One of the crucial steps in emotional abuse recovery is reaching out to a qualified therapist or counselor specializing in trauma and abuse. They can provide valuable guidance, support, and therapeutic techniques to help you process emotional wounds, develop coping strategies, and rebuild your sense of self.

Establish Boundaries and Practice Self-Care: Setting clear boundaries is essential in emotional abuse recovery. Identify and communicate your limits, both with the abuser and in future relationships, to protect your emotional well-being. Additionally, prioritize self-care activities that nurture your mind, body, and spirit, such as practicing mindfulness, engaging in hobbies, exercising, and surrounding yourself with a supportive network of friends and loved ones.

Remember, emotional abuse recovery is a unique journey, and the steps may vary for each individual. It's important to honor your own pace and seek professional guidance to tailor the recovery process to your specific needs.

Are you happy?

So then, how does emotional abuse feel? How can we tell if we are experiencing it or not if almost everyone is also doing it or experiencing it and there is no one to really compare it with? The first thing is that we might want to consider getting back into our bodies to really notice it.

Before we get into our bodies again, let’s notice the mind. It will perceive this dynamic with this person as really CONFUSING. This is known as cognitive dissonance, and it happens when sometimes we are treated well, and others are not. It is like we are watching a fast tennis or ping pong game. When does it stop? Who wins here? If we are left confused in our relationship in any way, we are likely being abused. People who know which end is up in their relationships are simply not confused. There is open and honest communication, no passive-aggressive mind games, and consistency in how they treat us. There is no intermittent reinforcement where they are nice to us sometimes and gaslighting or confusing our minds (also known as brainwashing) most of the time otherwise.

When we can’t be sure we can trust this person, when they cross our boundaries often, or when we start to feel anxiety about losing this person or not being good enough for them, this isn’t respect, and it isn’t love. Whether or not they are abusing us, if we feel bad about how this person makes us feel or how they talk to us, then we probably aren’t very happy, right? That might be the bottom line. How do we feel MOST of the time with them?

If we feel like we have been stabbed in the gut or the back after an argument or even after a seemingly harmless or “normal” interaction with them, this is also a way to know we have been manipulated, lied to, or emotionally abused in some way.

Simply put NOTICE. Notice how you feel in your body. Your body knows the absolute truth. As I mentioned earlier, that early life abuse or trauma forces us to be out of our bodies; if we are empathic, we REALLY don’t want to be in the body. Since the body always tells us the truth, if we knew the truth about our caregivers and how abusive they were, we would be paralyzed with fear constantly. We could not live this way as children. It was intolerable. We had to be in our heads in self-abandonment mode to survive in that atmosphere.

When we are grown-ups living with an abusive person, we still might not want to really “know” this truth about how much they disrespect or abuse us because that means we have to make big changes in our lives. Or we can choose to die staying put. We have to potentially take the side of our abusive bullies or risk creating “sadness” for them (at our own expense). We never want to disappoint anyone because then we will be known as “the bad guy,” but I am not exaggerating about the dying part. As we know, physical abuse is an obvious risk of death. But did you know that the stress from being in a mentally and emotionally abusive and confusing relationship is still a killer? Stress can lead to addictions to food and substances, leading to health problems and chronic illnesses such as heart disease, diabetes, autoimmune disorders like Fibromyalgia, thyroid disorders, Rheumatoid Arthritis, and cancer. Trauma and abuse have been known to change telomere length in cells and to affect how DNA is replicated. And not for the better. This toxic stress you have been living with day in and day out since you were little is very likely directly affecting the quality and length of your life.

Back to our heads. Our heads will give us all kinds of mixed messages—lies and some truths here and there. It does not know how to feel emotions, so it has to interpret from external sources. It is good for math and following directions on a map, keeping us surviving on a physical level and other details like that. It is obviously very necessary for keeping us alive. But for feeling emotions and giving us inner guidance…not so much. This is the body’s domain. And as adults, we no longer need to be in our heads avoiding our emotions and truth. We can become more safely embodied when we are ready.

“When you are told to be a certain way in order to be “loved” and “accepted” by someone who claims to love you, this is more about their insecurities than about you. This is not unconditional love.”

Your emotionally abusive loved ones will tell you they love you and are looking out for you or trying to help you be a “better” person. And getting help in life from valued people is important—when you ASK for help. However, when you feel judged by the person—repeatedly— and they treat you like you don’t even know how to spell your name, this isn’t loving.

Love is the freedom to be yourself. Love is equality. Love is peace. Love is balanced and reciprocal, give and take. When abusive caregivers shame children into “being better” instead of teaching them how to do things in a better way, this feels to the child like they are placing conditions on her to “act right or I won’t love you.” This is the opposite of unconditional love. Toxic and pervasive shame is NOT a teacher. It does the opposite because it engenders a false belief in the child that he or she is unworthy of being loved for who they are and that perfectionism and never making mistakes is the expectation. He carries this with him forever or until he gets help or learns to change it.

As an adult, you can start to re-parent yourself, stop abandoning your true feelings, wants, and desires, and learn how to love yourself in the light of forgiveness for your mistakes, acceptance of yourself, and true, unconditional love. It is never too late to have love and compassion for yourself. When you start loving and stop abandoning yourself, and when you make your own emotions okay and decide to make yourself a priority in your life again, you move past the old patterns that made you susceptible to abuse. You level up and make different choices. You start to see that you love yourself and will never accept anything less than this pure, unconditional love you can give yourself. You will then meet the people who will mirror this new version of you, and it will feel exponentially better to you.

Know that if you have done this kind of thing to others, it is not your fault. You are the product of families and social conditioning in a world living mainly from their unconscious minds. Even if this has been a pattern for you in your relationships, just notice this pattern. Self-awareness is the first step in changing it. Be curious about yourself and not judgmental. Apologize to the ones you have hurt once you know you have hurt them. You might not even realize that you have hurt people, which is just part of waking up to your true self. We are literally unconscious and asleep until we aren’t anymore. Trauma and abuse create a lot of ego protection that we must move through and past to see how we have sabotaged our own and others’ happiness. Simply strive to do it better next time. You are doing the very best you can at any moment. It’s never too late to start over. We are all healing in our own time and space. It’s not a rush or a competition.

If you need help with seeing the abusive cycles you are in, or need help navigating emotional abuse recovery steps, please know I specialize in this wheelhouse and would be happy to guide you. If you want to get more fully and safely embodied in your own body and the truth of who you are authentic, start accepting your own emotions as okay and reducing your stress and anxiety to feeling more inner peace and experience better health; please schedule a free one-hour coaching session with me.