Good Boundaries to Set: Nurturing Relationships Without Building Walls
Your values and the truth of who you are create your boundaries.
Ahhh, the boundaries topic. Perplexing in a way. A head-scratcher, too, at times. So often, boundaries with someone seem confusing, mean, or impossible. When we are new to this concept, we often think that having boundaries means creating walls of separation between people, becoming indifferent, ignoring them, or becoming mean. And, if you have been in a pathologically abusive relationship and need to go no-contact, then your boundaries might need to be more like a wall than a slight barrier. If you have been in an abusive relationship and do not want to be in another one or are trying to be as healthy as you can be, then the “regular” kind of boundaries will suffice.
Good boundaries to set are essential for maintaining healthy relationships and safeguarding your overall well-being. They serve as guidelines that define what is acceptable and what is not, allowing you to protect your emotional, physical, and mental health. So, how do we create healthy boundaries between ourselves and others? I like to consider that boundaries can be internal (energetic) and external (actionable).
Internal boundaries
The easiest way to have external boundaries, be consistent with them, and make having them a little more “automatic,” is by doing some inner work and starting to embody self-respect, self-love, your core values, and your truth. By “embody,” I mean you feel it energetically (emotionally) in your body and not just think it in your mind. By “truth,” I mean deeply knowing (embodied emotionally) that you are worthy of respect and love and that you deserve to have equal relationships with others where you give and take mutually. We all know we deserve these things, but sometimes we unconsciously carry old beliefs that tell us that we are not worthy of respect or love. When you carry these old beliefs around under the surface of your awareness, you might find yourself in patterns of attracting situations and people who will treat you as though you do not deserve respect. This is where my work comes in to help you shift this internally. Once you are embodying self-respect, love, confidence, clarity, inner peace and calmness, compassion for self, and other empowering beliefs, and the emotions that arise from these beliefs, it becomes much easier to employ external boundaries. Feeling grounded in your truth and balance can go a very long way in creating healthy communication within yourself and with others as well, which helps you feel more connected to them. You can be sure to be consistent in holding your boundaries when you feel calm and confident in yourself.
External Boundaries
Sometimes you can feel really guilty for setting boundaries. You might feel like you are mean and not a good person if you tell someone “no” or say “yes” to something you need, want to have or do in your own life. If you were traumatized as a child and called “selfish” or “inconsiderate” for having your own needs and desires, it can create a fear of abandonment. Shame ensures you don’t do any more of that crazy behavior. It says, “You should feel ashamed for being so selfish as to ask for what you want, need, or for some extra attention or love. Bad you!” Shame sits right on top of that joy or pleasure or loves you wanted to experience, making it very hard for you to feel that squashed-down emotion anymore. And when you do allow yourself to feel good or deserving of receiving love or pleasure, it might sweep back in to remind you that you need to play small, never shine your light, and stop rocking the boat. You, after all, might be called “selfish” again, and you don’t want that! So, instead, you become a “good person,” and people-pleasing takes over. After that time, saying “no” to people feels “wrong” and very, very “bad” to do.
Later in life, a day comes when someone has pushed you too far. You have said “yes” even though you wanted to say “no” so many times. You are deeply resentful, filled with rage, and you decide, “Today is the day when I tell that person ‘No!’” As is normal and to be expected when you first practice boundaries, you kind of go hardcore and get super aggressive, even though you wanted to sound emotionally balanced and assertive. As I mentioned, this is a “practice,” and you must ease your way into boundaries. However, having the internal energetic boundaries on board FIRST makes a huge difference, too, especially in making them consistent.
What can and very often does happen is that when you are aggressive with your boundaries, you tend to feel really guilty afterward. Then, you can’t hold onto the consistency part because you get pushed back down by shame into submission and people-pleasing out of this fear that you won’t be liked and that you will be seen as “selfish” and “inconsiderate” yet again. Have you experienced this? So, then it seems like you are back at square one. You really aren’t, though.
Each time you practice doing anything and your mind knows that you won’t die from doing it, it starts to give you the green light that it’s okay to do it. This is how any habit is formed. Your mind just needs to know that you will survive. And this is no different with boundaries than with anything else you do. Establishing good boundaries to set is crucial, as it enables you to separate your own feelings from those of others, fostering healthier interactions and preventing emotional exhaustion.
The patterns of belief that can create sabotage
The issue comes in when you have deeper, subconscious beliefs that hold you in your old patterns and habits of behavior. When these are still alive in you, they run the show. So, you might be able to throw down some awesome boundaries, start a new running program, or eat a healthier diet—for a little while. When you self-sabotage, it’s not your fault. It is that you bit off more than your brain could chew, and now it is on alert that it all happened WAY TOO FAST.
So, it shuts you down, and then you are back to being small, quiet, and resentful, sitting on your couch in the shape and form of a russet potato and eating the entire box of cookies once more. By changing your subconscious limiting beliefs and building new habits in small ways, you and I work to unravel you from this old programming and move you forward in your life. The shame that has caused you to play it small is also something we can work to unbind you from in coaching.
Top categories of good boundaries to set
Where do we start with boundaries? We uncover three essential boundaries to set - emotional, time, and personal space boundaries - and discover effective strategies to communicate and maintain them. It can be super overwhelming digging into it from scratch, so here are some good places to consider focusing! Embrace the power of boundaries as a means to create healthier connections and prioritize your well-being.
Emotional Boundaries: Establishing emotional boundaries involves defining and communicating your limits regarding how much emotional support, empathy, or involvement you can provide to others. It means prioritizing your emotional well-being and recognizing when to step back to protect your mental and emotional health.
Time Boundaries: Setting clear time boundaries helps maintain a healthy work-life balance and ensures that you allocate time for self-care, personal interests, and meaningful relationships. It involves defining when and how much time you can dedicate to work, social engagements, and other activities, allowing you to avoid overwhelm and prioritize your own needs.
Personal Space Boundaries: Personal space boundaries involve respecting your physical and personal boundaries and those of others. It means clearly communicating your preferences regarding physical touch, personal belongings, and privacy, ensuring that your personal space is honored and that you feel safe and comfortable in your environment.
Remember, your specific boundaries will depend on your values, needs, and comfort levels. It's important to regularly reassess and adjust boundaries as necessary to maintain healthy and fulfilling relationships.
Having healthy boundaries can change your relationships—for the better or not
You deserve to have boundaries between yourself and others. This is the healthiest way to live in inner harmony and peace. When you start to prove to yourself that you can have boundaries, you reinforce your belief that you are to be respected, valued, supported, and loved by others. When you speak or stand in the truth that you are worthy of having boundaries, people cannot help but respect you— and, on the flip side, they might not like this change in you at all. They might fight you on it, try to cross those boundaries by badgering you endlessly to do it “their” way again, or hate you for it, which might feel at first like a good reason to sabotage yourself and end your quest for healthy boundaries. There is, after all, that old fear of being abandoned rearing its head again.
But, essentially, no one can argue with the truth. It just is what it is. And your truth is THE TRUTH for you and cannot be argued with. Your boundaries are very personal to you. You and I might have different boundaries or limitations about what we can each tolerate from others. Maybe I think it’s fine if someone calls me “stupid,” but you find it inappropriate and disrespectful. For me to tell you to “get over it” or to “have a thicker skin” when someone calls you “stupid” does not mean that you have to agree with me. We are different people, and it does not make me better or worse than you simply because we have different values and expectations for how we each want to be treated. You can follow your own compass and feel exactly how you want to feel about your treatment. (In real life, I agree with you about the inappropriateness of being called any derogatory name, but I wanted to use an example here.)
To be honest, you might just lose people because they do not like your newfound confidence and self-respect, which is too bad. Unfortunately, they might not actually be your people because your people want the BEST for you, regardless of whether or not you do it their way. They celebrate you and everything you stand for, even if they don’t agree or do it your way or have different values and beliefs. That is fine. We are all different for a reason.
Good boundaries to set with others will be a very personal decision. You’ll find your balance between work, personal life, and self-care, ensuring dedicated time for rejuvenation and meaningful connections. Sometimes you’ll lose people along the way, and that’s OK! When you are contemplating this possible loss of the ones you love and care about, consider this: What is more important to you, the false love they have for you or your own, true self-love, which no one can ever strip from you once you have it?
You got this, friend!
