I Am Codependent: Breaking Free From "Please Don't Leave Me"

I am codependent and fear being abandoned

"I am codependent" is a powerful acknowledgment that signals the recognition of one's entanglement in unhealthy relationship dynamics, characterized by excessive reliance on others for validation, identity, and a sense of purpose.

The fears of being rejected and abandoned run deep in the human psyche. Won’t we do almost anything to avoid being abandoned, left, or tossed aside? We feel like if we are perfect enough: thin or fit, smart, socially acceptable, wear the “right” clothes, have the best group of friends, make the prettiest desserts for the bake sale, be the best soccer mom in the world—that we can never be rejected and thereby abandoned. This searching endlessly for ways to be perfect can make you feel like you are on a hamster wheel that never ends, huh?

Being accepted is a social condition that we are all born with. As babies, we need our parents to survive. And, as adults, we need one another in support, fun, love, and companionship. We need each other in so many ways, and there is nothing wrong with that.

Yes, we could live alone in the world and be physically okay if we had food, water, shelter, and appropriate clothing. But without even one other person on this planet with us, we would surely die from loneliness or isolation…the constant naggings of our inner bully alone would drive us mad. Life is meant to be lived with our companions and fellow travelers. When you think about it, we add so much to one another’s very existence, right?

That inner bully just won’t be quiet so much of the time, and when we hear it droning on and on about how “not good enough” we are, it creates a lot of inner suffering. Through its endless din of “You are unworthy,” “You shouldn’t have said THAT!” or “You are not lovable,” it helps us learn to reject ourselves. Ultimately, we then abandon ourselves time and again. So, we start to believe that our internal validation is not coming, and as humans are wont to do, we look for external validation. This is when we abandon ourselves for others in service of fixing, helping, rescuing, or saving them—whether they asked for it or not, mind you. It makes us feel important, needed, righteous even. Or, we try to look and be our best so that “they” won’t reject us. If “they” accept us, we can feel good enough for a little while—until that inner bully starts up again. Once that inner bully starts its griping again, we go back to living in constant fear of getting it “wrong” and being “left.” It’s a difficult and very toxic and painful cycle we have within us and breaking it can be tough…until it isn’t. I will get back to this later.

Facts and codependency confessions

Although men certainly deal with this in many ways, many women are prone to becoming codependent with their partners, kids, parents, and friends. It’s only natural, after all. Women are groomed early to take care of their loved one’s emotional, physical, spiritual, and social needs.  It makes sense that many women become enmeshed and codependent with the ones they love.

Embracing the phrase "I am codependent" can be the first step towards breaking free from the cycle of codependency, as it opens the door to self-reflection, healing, and personal growth.

Before I go into this little thing called codependency, I will straight up tell you that, at one time in my life, I am certain if you looked up this word in the dictionary, you would DEFINITELY have seen my mug there. So, none of what I am about to say has any weight of judgment whatsoever. I am good at my job because I have experienced everything I blog, coach, and talk about. I have so much love and compassion for anyone who is in an unhealthy or toxic pattern with someone else or within themselves. And, to be sure, if you are in a codependent relationship with someone, then you have the toxic patterning within you FIRST.

Again, zero judgment. This is a big, huge part of my coaching. Because I have learned how to untether from this patterning within myself and with others, I am very passionate about helping others to do the same. It’s deep, hard inner work, and it CAN be done. Breaking this patterning is freedom like you have never known before, and it is when you start to really LIVE and THRIVE!

Enough about me, though. Back to it…

Codependency over the years

Codependency was popularized in the addiction world several decades ago. This once meant that someone who loved someone with an active addiction would self-sacrifice and try to control, manipulate, and rescue their addict in order to stop the addiction. They would beg, plead, reason with, throw out the substance, or threaten the addict with leaving them or taking them to rehab. They might not go to work themselves and opt to show up at their addict’s place of work to be sure he or she actually went to work that day.

Usually, even after millions of threats, the codependent does not leave the addict or take them to rehab. It will stay there in the same cycle again and again, growing more and more resentful, bitter, and controlling. This only enables the addict to continue their addiction. After all, people will treat you how you allow them to. It's animalistic, human behavior. It’s automatic. If you are not saying no and meaning it (backing it with consistent ACTION), they will assume that you are okay with it, even though you SAY you are not. Actions speak louder than words. A codependent does not have a life of their own and does not even know what they want or need.

They put themselves last on their list. This is, as I not-so-gently like to call it: One grown adult changing the diapers of another grown adult. Now, I don’t mean to minimize or make light of this at all, but essentially, when we sacrifice our own happiness, sanity, jobs, and life priorities to make sure that another adult is living their lives responsibly, it is unhealthy and not at all self-loving. Easier said than done when we love these people. I know. Make no mistake, I promise that I really do get it.

Today, codependency has seeped into other facets of life and is often seen between someone and their narcissistically abusive partner or between child and parent. It is not always about trying to stop the addict from partaking in their substance(s) of choice. It can also be about helping or rescuing an unhealthy parent, child, or partner from the emotional, physical, or verbal abuse they inflict on the codependent. The codependent tries hard to reason with their abuser so that they won’t abuse them anymore. Mothers who are codependent with their grown children try to “help” their kids live happier lives and not make the same mistakes they made or try to control what their grown children are doing and who they marry, or what job they get, etc.

Again, I will add here that this is one of the hardest ways to live, and I know exactly how difficult it is to remove your energy from someone you love and, basically, stand there as they ruin their own life. This is the hardest thing we do in this world, bar none. But, if you have been codependent, you must also recognize how crazy-making it is for you. It is never-ending worry and suffering.

Although this might seem like a “loving” thing to do to “care” for your people, at its root, codependency is about control. Sorry to burst your bubble here, but there is nothing saintly about it. It puts you in the spot of being a martyr and falling onto the sword of your own pride and self-righteousness. And it all stems from a deep fear of being abandoned. It comes from childhood trauma with being abused, witnessing abuse between your parents, being neglected, having to care for an addicted parent or anything else that made you feel like you had no control over your little self and life and had to step out of yourself in order to contort yourself for others, people please, or dissociate from your body in order to not feel the chaos your nervous system felt when in these situations.

The nervous system’s fight or flight pattern with a codependent typically wavers between fighting and fawning most of the time. When this happened, dissociating and going out of your body and into your head helped you try and save them—the grown adults who were not healthy or safe for you. That was how you tried to survive. And, you were so smart that you DID find a way to survive. This is wonderful! It came from pain and fear, but your little self kept you alive, right? And this is so beautiful. Your little one was brave and smart and got you from then to now. Let’s celebrate this for a moment. Wow.

Becoming codependent was the best way you knew how to manage the chaos at home, and it is how you likely manage your life even now. Think about it a bit. I bet you can count at least 500 times that you have tried to fix or save someone in your life. And, thank you for being loving. Also, know that you can still be loving without saving anyone else. If you are dealing with yourself as a codependent or someone else, be aware that when a codependent wants to help someone, this means that as soon as their “project” seems “okay,” the codependent feels “okay”—for a little while anyway. The codependent does what she or he does in order to find some safety and peace within themselves. They can tell themselves that, for now, their addicted partner won’t die, go to prison, or leave them or that their abusive partner won’t hit, call them a bad name, or gaslight them. They can rest for a minute in the belief that their children are “doing it right” so they can feel like they are a good enough mother and can take a deep breath for a beat.

The codependent person lives in constant fear that the other shoe will drop and that they will be alone.

Codependents have abandoned themselves in order to save and not abandon their loved ones so that they can finally feel a sense of belonging. And there is nothing wrong with that. We ALL want to belong, remember? It is human nature, after all.

We can keep our positive intentions of wanting to belong and feel safe and loved, but sometimes our tactics need a little tweaking. The habits and behaviors that led to codependency were part of a very intricate method (a brilliant one!) of keeping you alive when you were young. Now that you are an adult, you can change this. By helping you with your abandonment and rejection fears stemming from your subconscious limiting beliefs, I can walk you out of this patterning and toxic cycle that is not true love. It is attachment, and it is suffering.

True love is freedom. It is allowing yourself and others to make their own mistakes. If we take it to a higher level, we can remember that each of us is a divine being having a human experience. Each of us is a very powerful soul. And if we can wrap our minds (hearts really!) around this, we might also realize that our souls are much wiser, larger, and stronger than our human selves. I believe that they know exactly how to “save” themselves. This experience they are having might be what they need to grow as a soul. How can anyone really know? I certainly cannot tell you or your magnificent soul your/its truth. No way!

If your person who is harming themselves wants help, there are many professionals in this world who can help them. If your person needs your help in an appropriate way, they will ask you, and you can be a resource for them. They are not ready for it if they are not asking for help. At the risk of redundancy (which is a no-no for writers)…I am not saying this is easy. It is exceptionally hard. But your job is to heal your own abandonment issues, and isn’t that job enough for you? Taking care of ourselves is a full-time job. Carrying other grown adults is a heavy burden, and you simply cannot do this forever.

If your person abuses you, it is on you to get help, learn to stop abandoning and rejecting yourself and love yourself deeply. Then, you will know what to do next to make yourself the priority in your life. If you are being physically harmed or the verbal or emotional abuse harms you mentally, please make a safety plan and move away as soon as possible. Find yourself a professional to help you start the process of ending self-rejection and self-abandonment. All we can do is control ourselves and our own reactions, right?

When we can finally come home to re-connection with ourselves---with what we like to do, our needs, and feeling some very deep and painful feelings—we start the process of loving ourselves and reminding ourselves that when we stop self-abandoning and contorting ourselves for others, we are free. We come home to our authenticity. We allow people to make the mistakes they are going to make and to sit in their own pain and energy in order to find their own source within that can help them find help from professionals, remember their connections to the Divine, or want to find their own self-love and overcome their trauma and pain. Doing it for them makes them believe you don’t trust them. And perhaps you have no reason to trust them right now but try it. Step back and let them know they’ve got this. It might change a lot for them…and you. Take space and then turn inward and put the focus back where it should be—on you!

Remember, the realization "I am codependent" is not a label of shame, but an invitation to embark on a path of self-discovery, self-care, and ultimately, reclaiming autonomy and emotional well-being. We all have a duty to heal ourselves. We need one another in this world, no doubt, but having some boundaries between yourself and the others you love is how you truly love them. You give them their freedom and respect their choices, even if they harm them.

I hope this article has helped you in some way today.