Sexual Betrayal Trauma in Intimate Relationships

Watching pornography is considered something “men just do” in our world, but it has deep and lasting emotional impacts on their partners.

Disclaimer: This article will use the terms men (as the porn-seeker) and women (as the betrayed), but I recognize that this street goes both ways and I am not aiming to discriminate here. It is just easier for writing purposes to classify in this manner, especially since there is more of a problem societally with men secretly using pornography and women having to shut up about it than is the reverse.

The Hot Porn Star vs. Your Dumpy, Human Cow Wife

When you commit to someone in an intimate partnership, you usually put all your trust into that person. Maybe people should not do that so readily, but we all want to feel connected and safe in our intimate partnerships. We want to feel like we have come home and we can finally feel free to unapologetically be ourselves, so we let our guards down. We expect that when we create this little bubble of love and take vows that we are both in it for better or worse, in sickness and in health. As women, we don’t always feel sexy. We don’t always smell good. We gain weight after babies. Our boobs sag to the middle of our inflated bellies. We have a lot of stretch marks and parts that just don’t seem to go back to “tight” anymore. It’s really hard for women to love our bodies after we have kids and age, especially in a world where looking hot at all times seems to be all that matters. We are tired and don’t have a libido when we are up for many hours every night feeding said babies and changing diapers on repeat. We might not even have regulated hormones to be able to have a libido for several months or years after having children. Inconsistent sleep/wake cycles as well as all the regular pregnancy hormones can do a number on a woman’s body. Being a sexual creature while also being a human cow and an undernourished zombie may be the last thing a woman can actually physically do under these circumstances. At the same time, we still work hard to make sure food is prepared, laundry is done, kids are clean, homework is completed, soccer practice has been attended, bills are paid, the house is deep cleaned or at least de-cluttered, our work outside the home is done excellently so we have a paycheck, and our family and friends know we still care even though we are drowning daily in responsibility. It’s hard to eat well and lose all that post-baby weight, but we squeeze into the gym and hope to squeeze back into those pre-preggo jeans, all while creating more cortisol weight from all the stress and pressure we are under to be the “perfect wife, daughter-in-law, mother, and sex kitten.” But, the good news is that we have such a deep bond with our husbands, and we just know that this man who promised to love us until “death do us part” will never stray or look the other way. Other women are hot, but WE are the hottest to our man, right? After all, out of all the women he could have chosen, he wanted you, his wife.

With all of these variables in life and the immense expectations we put on ourselves as well as what society expects from women and mothers, we truly can’t always look and act as excited as 20-year-old, coked-up porn actors can. Sorry to burst your sex-fantasy bubbles guys. That’s not real life. The truth is that porn stars very often have had horrible experiences of bad home lives, little to no education, lived in poverty, suffered from abuse of every kind (sexual abuse being one of the main ones they were groomed with), and experienced a lot of trauma in childhood. They often get addicted to drugs early on and doing porn, prostitution, or working in strip clubs allows them to support their drug addictions as well as feed themselves and any young children they might very well have. This is not sexy. It is sad. They are exploited, objectified, abused, and used sexually every day. They have very few choices in life and they do what they need to do to survive. No one wants to be sexually abused and made to perform sexual acts. Most women want to be in love and have sex; not have it to be able to eat and have shelter. So, these women may not be all together emotionally, physically, or mentally healthy and may not really be as eager to please you or their actor partners as they might seem to be on camera. I seriously doubt that they are in love with or think the men they are having sex with are awesome. They are not in love with those men, and they are not in love with you, the viewer, either. They don’t really want you. They don’t care about you. They are acting. For money.

Your wife or partner does care about you, even if they cannot sex you up like a wild tiger like they used to. Marriage has its ebbs and flows. Instead of feeling left out or rejected, maybe step up and give your wife some support, a helping hand, some much-needed sleep, a proper meal, or even a shoulder to cry on when she is trying to figure out how to raise an infant or very stubborn toddlers or rebellious teens into grown adults. I am not sure that men realize this or not, but allowing a woman to be emotionally vulnerable with you creates openness and a deep desire for sexual intimacy for the woman. When she feels emotionally close to you, it’s game on. Ignoring her, blaming her tired butt for not initiating sex on your schedule, taking it all personally, and jumping on the laptop for some easy sex with teenagers does not work well for most wives. Secretly connecting sexually with another person, whether online or in person, is a betrayal, it is traumatizing, and it will destroy trust quickly and, likely, permanently. The love may remain for a little while, but once the trust is gone, it can be really hard to get back. Do you want that? Let’s truly think about the consequences of this. While I can just imagine how enticing it is to turn away from your pudgy, milk-stain shirted, half-dead zombie wife who cannot satisfy you sexually at this moment to go toward a lingerie-donned, size zero, fake breasted very young woman who has cocaine eyes only for you, I am just not sure it is worth damaging your relationship over.

The Destruction of That Beautiful, Sacred Love Bubble

When we get married or go into a committed relationship, we want to feel seen, loved, and able to be ourselves without apology. We expect our partner to tell us their secrets and dreams and be vulnerable with us. We want to be able to tell them everything about us too—our past wounds and hurts, our present fears, our future dreams. When we engage with our partner in a sexual way, it is sacred. It is meant to be only between the two of you. You can be open, express your love, laugh, play, and be wild or crazy if you want. It is special simply because it can be a little love bubble where you can connect and be together and shut the world out for a little bit. It’s a respite and a time to rest, reset, and relax in safety, vulnerability, and connection. It is home.

As soon as you go outside of that bubble and communicate or interact sexually (or do more) with someone who has not been invited into that sacred space you have with your partner, you have burst the bubble of intimacy you had with your partner. When you cross the boundaries of trust and respect that your partner believed you had for them, you have ruined your relationship and probably your family. You have damaged your partnership. In one instant of infidelity and secrecy, you have devasted the very person who has loved and supported you up to this moment. And if you make a promise never to do it again and then do it again, it is even worse. Many women live in silent fear, sadness, and devastation when their men watch pornography. Women are made to minimize their feelings since it’s “just what men do.” But the truth is that many women feel emotionally betrayed by this. Even simply flirting with other women, going to strip bars, or interacting in any sexual way with someone who is not your intimate partner creates jealousy and deep devastation for the one who is being betrayed in this way. Women feel humiliated, inadequate, ashamed, ostracized and at fault for their husband turning to someone else sexually. It makes women feel like they are not enough—pretty enough, young enough, sexy enough, thin enough. The list can go on and on, really. Women feel like they no longer belong in their own family after they have been betrayed sexually by their husbands in this way. It’s like the husband and the children all belong to a group where the husband gets to have porn affairs and the children get to be oblivious to it. The wife gets to feel alone and ashamed for making “such a big deal out of nothing” while wanting to rip her own skin off. To add insult to injury, women are not supported well in this. There are many support groups for the porn-seeker or sexual addict, which is wonderful. But there is a belief that women should just understand and not feel betrayed by this. However, it is cheating and secrecy. Hiding porn usage and having sexual interest in someone besides your partner creates distrust.

Being Taught to Dismiss Your Feelings and Betray Your Own Self

Very often, this kind of betrayal can cause Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (C-PTSD) for the betrayed partner. Believe it or not, coming from betrayal trauma in family systems is quite common for women. Many women have had their feelings minimized and dismissed since they were children. As children and adults, women historically have been treated like children with the attitude of “being seen but not heard.” This trains them to be silent about abuse and to push away their feelings of fear and anger when they are being betrayed again and again. Young girls are raped and molested by family members and told to not “make a big deal out of it.” “It happened to me too,” a mother might tell her sexually abused daughter. They have no support in this and no validation of the abuse they have been subjected to. They are taught to “just be kind anyway” and “let bygones be bygones” and all that nonsense. They are instructed to be pleasing and not to complain. They learn very early on to care more about others’ feelings than their own and when someone tells them that watching porn is “no big deal” when it feels like a really big deal, it causes a lot of pain, confusion, and fear inside of them. But, because they were taught young and well to push their feelings of betrayal down deep inside, they shut off their feelings and try to understand their porn-seeking betrayer’s feelings over their own. They move forward and continue living the “life of their dreams” while feeling simultaneously enraged, betrayed, bitter, ashamed, humiliated, depressed, empty, and dead inside. When these women witnessed abuse between their parents or experienced, first-hand, abuse and betrayal by their parents or others who they trusted to have their best interests at heart, it caused a rupture in the attachment they had with those caregivers. It made them afraid, confused, insecure, and lost. These feelings of fear and insecurity and of not being safe also dysregulated their nervous systems. The generational trauma continues in this kind of family system unless the woman eventually decides to confront her deep inner pain and childhood wounding. Then she becomes the generational trauma ender.

As adults, if they have not healed their trauma that lives deeply in their bodies, any betrayal by someone close to them will activate their nervous system again, sending them back into a childlike fight or flight reaction similar to what they experienced as children. They might scream, cry, or shake in fear or they might ruminate on the betrayal for years, holding it over their partner’s head. They might leave the relationship. And when a person who has been betrayed sexually in this way is lied to, dismissed, or is discounted for how they feel about it by the person who betrayed them, there is no healing for the couple. Telling someone who has been betrayed intimately that they need to “get over it” because “all men do it” is not okay. Blaming the one who was betrayed for the porn-seeker’s behavior is also not okay. It’s like when someone hits their wife in the face and says, “You made me do it! If you weren’t being such a miserable bitch, I would not have had to hit you.” No. Not okay. We all make our own choices and suffer the consequences for those choices. There are many, many choices that can be made and not all of them include harming someone’s mind, body, or soul or destroying the fabric of your relationship.

Where Is The Line? From Cheating Online to In Person

The issue is that most of society is taught that “boys will be boys” and that women are just supposed to get it that men like porn. Women are made to shut up about it. Women just have to understand and accept that their husbands are allowed to cheat on them with scantily clad porn stars or forever be considered an over-reacting, jealous, and insecure person who “can’t handle” what her man “needs to do” to de-stress. So, where is the line then? These porn sites have easy clickbait buttons to have private chats and other kinds of “in-person” areas where the person can have more intimate conversations with these women, affording opportunities to develop more emotional connections with them. Many of these porn sites and their affiliates also offer more and more deviant types of sexual activity such as violence, child porn, rape-type fantasy sites (and I am sure many more that I am not aware of) for the porn-seeker to watch and go into deep fantasy with. Typically, a man cannot be or may not feel that he can be sexually violent with his wife. For some couples, with the appropriate boundaries and safety in place, this might be a fun time. But for many couples, what two people actually want in the bedroom might be very incompatible. And that is problematic for the couple. But if someone is seeking something outside their marriage or partnership with strangers who do what the porn-seeker actually wants sexually, it might be time to have some serious conversations with their partner. It can become a slippery slope at some point. What then stops a man from going out to prostitutes or hooking up with other real women and forming intimate sexual and emotional bonds with them? Once your sex-addicted mind goes down these tracks, it’s only a matter of time until you are doing things that you likely never really thought you’d do.

Sex addiction is very real and very easy to develop. The pleasure centers light up very quickly when someone is engaging in pornography. The addict needs to keep going back more and more for that hit of dopamine. Add to this a cocktail of norepinephrine, vasopressin, oxytocin, and serotonin to round out the feel goods. Over time, the brain can be damaged from the over-use of these chemicals, much like when an alcoholic drinks or even only LOOKS AT a picture of a drink. So, engaging in sex as well as simply viewing it releases these chemicals and then pathways in the brain are created to make the person become hyper-focused on the sexual act, to crave for more, and know exactly how to get their fix quickly. Eventually, lines can become crossed. Why not feel this way with a real, live person instead of with someone on camera? Then you are engaging in even more secretive and risky behaviors that can directly impact yourself and your partner, such as sexually transmitted diseases, loss of financial stability, emotional disconnection from yourself and your partner, divorce, child custody battles, and a loss of reality as you go further and further into a fantasy life.

Your Wife May Not Make You Feel Like Superman Every Day, But She Loves You

The feel goods you have during sex with your partner are there to create an intimate bond with that partner. When a person watches porn, they are transferring that emotional bonding over to someone else who is not there physically. This is undoubtedly someone who will not hold you to task, make you do laundry, interrupt your favorite team on Sunday, make you go to church, yell at you for being lazy, and not have sex with you on demand. And that really sucks. I know. But, that is life. Porn actors will always be there for you to make you feel like Superman. They will always have your back as long as you give them their money. They won’t complain, make you hold them while they cry, expect you to have really boring emotional chats, or make you listen to their gossip or incessant chatter like your wife will. They won’t expect you to make a lot of money, buy them a house they can turn into a home, take them on expensive vacations, and attend lame block parties with the neighbors. They won’t tell you that you shouldn’t be so mean to people you work with, to stop ignoring your mother, or to make peace with your sister. But, this is the job of your wife. If you don’t want a wife because she is such a “nag,” then leave her, but don’t live a secretive double life and betray an innocent person who loves you and puts up with you. She works hard. She pushed actual people—YOUR people—out of her body, for the love of all that’s holy. She makes you better in certain ways, just as you make her better in certain ways. It’s a partnership and your wife will love you in good times and bad as long as you have her back. She will be there for you when you get looked past or fired from your job, scratch the new car, or lose your parents. And one day, in her thirties or forties, if you haven’t betrayed her trust, that little sexual wild kitten might be ready to pounce on you again. But, play your cards right or she might walk out that door. Or worse, she will stay and never look you in the eye or talk to you with respect or love like she did before you betrayed her. She will never go into that sacred love bubble you once shared—just the two of you. You will be living as strangers in your own home.

There is no shame in getting help for a sexual addiction. It might be the very best way to save your marriage and maybe even your life. If you or someone you know has had betrayal trauma and wants to recover, please contact me for a free Discovery call.