Free to Be You: Safety Inside Yourself
Learning to be safe within yourself leads to inner security, confidence, and empowerment.
Safety is such a crucial part of life. We need to feel safe in our finances, safe in our homes and neighborhoods, safe in our families, safe with our friends, and safe with our partners. Having suffered from traumatic experiences, our sense of safety was compromised. Because of this, we often will look outside our families of origin and outside ourselves for a sense of belonging, love, and safety. We are social creatures and want to feel like we can relax, let our hair down, and just BE ourselves. We want to breathe deeply and know that we are acceptable and okay.
True Freedom Comes With Safety
Have you ever noticed how carefree and easy going you are when you feel safe? When you know that your neighborhood is safe, you stay out later and play, or you ride your bike knowing you will not be hurt. When you feel safe with your friends, you laugh and joke around without worrying about whether they might judge you. When you feel safe in your love relationship and know that you can trust that person to take care of your heart and not hurt you, you feel happy, protected, and free to be your full, authentic self. You don’t fear that you will be made fun of, lied to, or abandoned.
But what about the safety you feel inside yourself? Have you thought much about this? If we haven’t worked on how to be safe within ourselves, we still run the risk that we will continue to attract others who are not safe within themselves and who therefore cannot help us feel safe and secure. Remember that like attracts like. Your energy (whether healed or not healed) will attract that same energy to you. When you don’t feel safely embodied, you will attract people and situations who will mirror that to you to show you what you need to heal inside yourself. Becoming safe within ourselves can seem like a daunting task, just as becoming more confident, empowered, and loving ourselves can be a challenge sometimes. Historically, we haven’t really learned how to do these things, but we are becoming more astute at the emotional sides of ourselves as we progress as a species.
There is great freedom in feeling safe and secure within. We no longer need others’ validation. We trust ourselves to know what we need to do. We stand in our own truth. We have our own backs. We follow our own hearts even if others don’t agree or like what we are doing. When people take the time to tell us that our choices and feelings are wrong, that is coming from their fear, insecurity, unworthiness, and lack of safety within themselves. There are millions of people walking around this planet with HUGE fears of abandonment. My guess is that it is, like, ALL of the world for the most part. It is this way because almost no one as of yet has learned how to make themselves feel safe from INSIDE themselves, so we all look outwardly for others to do this work for us. If you go inward and change, heal, grow, love yourself, and find some inner safety, you might decide to leave your person or people (for all they know) and then what would they do? They would feel even more abandoned. So, your changing and growing is a threat to their own safety and survival—or so they believe. The hope, however, is that they would help themselves by turning inward instead of making you responsible for making them feel safe by being their constant security blanket.
I won’t lie, inner work is not easy. I very much get that. However, it is, by far, the MOST important, gratifying work that you will ever do. Once you feel safe and confident within yourself, you come home to your authenticity, and you feel empowered and at peace. From the inside, you start to manifest outwardly your wildest dreams, passions, gifts, and talents. You attract abundance in love, career, money, and your truest soulmate friends and partner. In fact, you are already manifesting whatever is inside of you right now. If you don’t like what your life is like right now, you have the power to change it by looking inside yourself and changing the story. Additionally, two people who enter a relationship where they both have done their inner work, feel secure inside themselves, love themselves, and know they are already whole are the real power couples. And this world is getting there, let me tell you! So, it is vital that each and every one of us heals our own blocks to self-love. More harmonious and cooperative relationships based on true love (beginning with loving self) can be forged this way. Needing people to “complete” us is not true at all. We are already complete. We just have to remember it and then we will align with our truest love match.
This might be too much to ask for many people, but once we all start doing something, it becomes contagious to the collective. It’s like any trend that catches on in the world. Once a critical mass of people start wearing Uggs or coloring their hair blue or talking about spirituality, trauma, validation, or being resilient, more people catch onto it and start doing it or talking about it. Perhaps not everyone will do the particular trend, but many will do what the collective is doing currently. This is how any change happens in the world. There is a groundswell that happens and then it takes off. It’s how group dynamics work. Sometimes following the crowd is not a good idea and sometimes it is.
The Outer Always Mirrors The Inner
If we are not vulnerable, forgiving, non-judgmental, and compassionate toward ourselves, we will meet ourselves this way in the form of other people and we will wonder why we can’t find someone trustworthy to love. We will wonder why we can only love “broken” people. We will continue to encounter and entangle with this kind of person the less we work on making ourselves acceptable and safe inside ourselves. When your focus goes back completely onto you and you stop pointing fingers at the mirror (the other people in your life who are simply reflecting you back at you) and start to realize that people and situations who are mirroring your inner world are offering you a gift and an opportunity instead of victimizing you (sometimes they actually are victimizing you; I need to make sure to make that clear too), that is when the healing finally begins. It can be quite the fun journey to look at exactly how you are being emotionally unavailable, abusive, judgmental, condescending, arrogant, and even lying, cheating, ghosting or rejecting toward yourself. Wow. That is hard to fathom and read, I know! But, there is great power in seeing how you are doing to yourself exactly what others are doing to you—in both the not-so-good ways and the good ways. It works both ways. Once you stop mistreating yourself on deeper levels, others stop, too, or they disappear from your life because you have nothing for them to hook into anymore. It seems like magic, but this is just how energy works. Energy is attracted to itself. You align with the vibratory energy of where you are at. When you raise your vibration (heal and change your energy), you rise up or ascend and those who have not will no longer align with your energy. Pretty cool, huh?
When the parts of you that feel inadequate, unlovable, insignificant, and not enough feel seen, heard, loved, and accepted instead of judged, and shown a lot of compassion right here and right now by YOU, you start to change on the inside. When you have your own back, your whole inner and, by extension, your whole outer experience changes for the better. And when you are actually being abused or victimized in some way, it is simply because you were groomed or trained to accept this as normal treatment. Your body and mind are just used to it. And, this can very much be changed inside of you so that you no longer experience these painful situations in life again.
Needing Someone Versus Wanting Them
We can become sovereign individuals and not need anyone ever again so long as we have ourselves to be there for and to make us feel safe. Needing people is not the same as wanting them. We might need people when we are asking for help in some way on a project or a collaboration, for some support and encouragement, or for their advice. But needing people to carry us along emotionally is very disempowering for us and makes us feel weak and, frankly, really resentful. On a soul level, no soul NEEDS to be carried along by any other soul. We are ALL very powerful souls after all. It places a huge burden on the other person, too, because they have the big job already of taking care of themselves and their own needs. So, that naturally creates resentment on their end toward us, too.
Wanting people in our life is a different story. Wanting people is based on a mutual respect for ourselves and them as people who have healthy boundaries, values, beliefs, quirks, likes, and dislikes. We engage equally as adults who have our own sense of inner security, inner peace, and self-esteem. We know who we are and we don’t apologize for it. We make and learn from our own mistakes if that is what we choose because we are capable adults who know right from wrong. Or we don’t. But that is for each of us to figure out. Life is a journey after all and if we all knew exactly what to do to be at peace and in harmony with ourselves and others, we wouldn’t be here. We’d be playing somewhere else in the vast cosmos. Earth is a place to learn this kind of stuff, however.
If certain people in our lives don’t really like us or we don’t like them (yes, as sad as this may be, this does include family, friends, and partners), we simply move on. We don’t try and change the other person or convince them that they are wrong for how they feel or behave. If they are inclined to abuse us or mistreat us in any way, then that is who they are being right now. We don’t try to “grow up” another adult. If they have deficits in their character or personality traits that we do not like or even hate, or they are not willing or able to ascend with us then we let them go to find someone who does like that level of immaturity. There are still many people in the world who absolutely need to and love to mother or be fathered by other grown-ups who are not their parents. It is part of the codependency template we are still living in for now. Let them go on their journeys. Eventually, they will outgrow this. We all evolve in our own time. If we don’t, then we won’t make it. Survival of the fittest, baby!
We don’t need to change and “be better” for anyone either. Being that you are already whole, you are thereby already perfect just as you are. Sure, you might make mistakes. You might be insensitive. You might have hurt people in big or little ways in your life. That feels rotten and it fills us with shame when we do these things. But, that does not make you any less of a whole and perfect soul. Your soul is experiencing something for its growth. And, once you decide that you don’t want to hurt yourself or others anymore, you will change. Period. End of the story. Everyone CAN change. It is not anyone else’s job but your own to make you change your own bad behaviors. When you no longer like being in pain from causing yourself and others pain, you will dig deep and heal. When someone in your life does not see your inherent value as a soul, it is due to their own lack of self-love and inability to have self-compassion and see that they, too, are already whole and perfect. They judge you as not okay because they judge themselves as not okay. They are impatient with you to change and become better for them because they aren’t willing to do their own self-love work. They don’t feel safe inside themselves and they fear abandonment and being alone.
There is no need for drama anymore if we decide not to partake in it. We simply can choose the experiences we want to have and we leave the other ones alone. It might not be easy to do, of course, but when you think about it, it is a very simple concept. It is very cut and dry and logical. And logic is also still important. A paradox of life is that facing the reality of right now is imperative if we want anything to change. For example, we can choose to accept the way a person is and not live in denial that they are (or even could be in the future) any different. Unless they are actively healing or trying to grow and feel safer inside themselves RIGHT NOW, they aren’t in step with you (if you are healing, that is). They might be pointing the finger at you and expecting you to change. They might believe that only you are the one with problems and that they are just fine as they are. If you change, they will feel better. No, they actually will not feel better if you change because only they can feel good from within themselves. No external force or being outside of ourselves will ever make us feel good enough or whole because we are ALREADY whole. We just have to remember it. Right?
Also recall that two people who are aligned in energy are the SAME frequency or vibration. This means they are the same in health or in sickness (mentally and emotionally anyway…and possibly even physically, too). So, it’s never only one of them who needs to change. They both need to do their inner work. If your person is pointing fingers at you and not willing to heal and accept their own mistakes, false beliefs, fear, and shame, then they are not changing right now and now is all there is. It’s like watching a pot of water boil. It won’t happen on your schedule. We either accept what is as the truth for now or we don’t. We either stay and hope for a miracle that they will change and grow with us, or we realize that we are not the same and maybe one day, if all the stars align again, we will be a match made in Heaven.
What happens is that when we stay and hope they will heal, we are staying down in a ditch where no one is healing. We have to rise up so that the other can find us when or if that is possible for them. Settling for less in order to “save” someone (remember that it is not your responsibility to save anyone else’s very powerful soul) and staying stuck in a ditch with someone is the cornerstone of a codependent relationship. And no one is healthy in those. Both people are sick in that situation. When we are growing and feeling safe inside ourselves and the job or the family member or the partner is not doing the same, we feel pain on a visceral level. We feel friction and anxiety in our bodies. This is our body letting us know that we are not on the same page and that our health or our mental status may be negatively impacted if we endure it any longer. We also must trust that we will find those we align with at the exact right moment. No need to stress over it. The idea is to add value to one another’s life instead of burden. Being IN that ditch with someone is a burden. Caring about people and supporting them is beautiful; carrying them or staying down at a lower vibration with them just so you won’t “be a bad person” or you feel sorry for them is not. It’s too hard on your being and it enables them to stay stuck. You don’t want that, do you? The ones who come into our life and love us for who we are right now and don’t try to change us are the icing on the cake. (We are the cake!) They bring more joy to an already joy-filled life that we are living.
Self-Love is Not Selfish
You will never feel lonely again when you are safe inside of yourself. Loving yourself is not selfish. It helps you to detach from expecting others to do it your way out of a fear you will be abandoned or rejected. It assures you feel free, calm, and confident and all the yummy things you want to feel. It makes you independent and interdependent with someone (cooperative, collaborative, and respectful of each other) instead of dependent on and codependent with someone. You being safe inside yourself allows others to be themselves and to learn by your example how to be safe and compassionate with themselves. It helps the world find peace. By being safe inside yourself, you set the example of how it looks and feels to love yourself and be free in your body, mind, and soul.
We can all help each other change and grow. It’s a domino effect that starts with us on an individual level first. Just as it takes only one domino to knock down many more, each one of us doing our own little part can help many others because of that contagious collective groundswell I mentioned earlier. It’s a grass roots effort that we do little by little each and every day in our own way.
If you need any help with this, it would be my joy and deep honor to assist you. I guide you in finding all the hidden ways that you are mistreating yourself so that we can help you heal them from the inside out.
Please contact me for a free Discovery call.
