Coaching As a Transformational Experience
Gathering more information is helpful for increasing your knowledge base, but true transformation happens with a proven system, a cheerleader in your corner, and accountability in order to move you from stuck to unstuck.
People often wonder what the big deal is about coaching and whether it’s worth spending the time and money to do it. Just like when you have a baseball coach, a life, health, trauma recovery, career, or a financial coach all serve important functions to help you get from where you are right now to where you want to be headed. You can read all the books you want to on the subject you want to learn about and you can find out a lot of great information on the subject you’re investigating. The book might even be a self-help or a how-to guide that gives you steps, tips, and strategies that you can apply to make life better in some way. I have hundreds of those books. I am not kidding. I have a bit of a hoarding issue when it comes to books. I guess it could be worse. I digress, but the point is that I have hundreds of books that offer amazingly helpful information and suggestions that I NEVER do. Can you relate? I might remember theories and tips to do to make a part of my life better, but I don’t really put them into practice. It’s like I need a nudge or a reminder to make the changes the book recommends. It’s so easy to forget to do good things for ourselves when our lives are so busy. We need to carve out the time to focus on ourselves and our personal goals.
This is where coaching can be an asset. The neat thing about coaching is that it is kind of in your face in a gentle yet effective way. As a coach, it is my job to hold your feet to the fire with the goals YOU want to achieve. I don’t do it in a really tough way. I won’t aggressively call you names or tough love you into it. Shaming and verbal abuse are not effective ways to motivate people to change in the long run. You are an adult and can decide what you want to accomplish. I trust that you are the expert of your own life and that by scheduling your valuable time with me, you mean business. I will hold space for you and I will challenge you a bit to find your edge and to do the things you want to achieve, but I will not make you feel wrong or bad for not following through. Usually, we are already punishing and judging ourselves quite enough as it is. You don’t need more of it. Having a peer-to-peer interaction in this way is like having a friend who listens to you, talks with you, supports you, and then pushes you to the next level so that you can feel stronger, more confident, or more empowered in some way, have a breakthrough, and transform your life into something better and even extraordinary. And when you have experienced trauma, in particular, you already have a strong inner manager (critic/bully) dictating your life. You may even have struggles with concentration or focus, decision-making, anxiety and stress, depression, clutter, eating properly, body shame, having good boundaries, and putting yourself first in your life. Having someone skilled in helping you get onto a healthier track is giving yourself the very best gift you can give. After a lifetime of allowing your inner critic to shame and judge you about pretty much everything and letting the outside world beat you down with “you’re not doing enoughs” you can finally feel in charge of your own life!
Speaking of being the expert of your own life. We are often taught to look outside ourselves for the answers. We do need certain experts in the world, of course. Scientists, doctors, lawyers, chefs, financial advisors, therapists, engineers, and many other professionals are necessary for us to look to when we need advice and direction. Coaches are not the experts. Coaches are equals. While we are trained in our particular areas and have a lot of information to educate with, we are not to be looked at as “higher than” or smarter than you. We are guides. We lead you to the water and you can decide just how and if you are thirsty or not. Your choice. Your life. I have a lot of psychological, nutritional, abuse, trauma, medical, and spiritual information on hand. These are my passions. I read textbooks for fun, just like I did in college and graduate school. I was raised by university professors and I genuinely and genetically love to learn about the areas I am passionate about. I can certainly bore you to tears with a TON of information and studies if you want. Anyone can do that. But you don’t have time for that, do you? And even if you do, do you really want to know all the details about criminal or tort law, the purpose and function of the blood-brain barrier, the proper measurements for a road or how much piping to place in a sewer line, or the benefits of the hedge fund? In truth, I am likely even describing these aspects of certain careers incorrectly for all I know. I don’t know a lot about any of these areas, obviously. But the point is that if you wanted all that information, you would have gone to school for it.
So, it is my job to use the information in my own sphere of knowledge as needed to educate you, to curate it so that it’s more tangible for you, and offer you tools for change so that you can take the information and move ahead in your life. It’s a time-saver to have a coach because we can give you the Cliff’s Notes version of things and you can take it and run with it if you so choose without having to delve into book after book or video after video. When you have a coach who can work with you, side-by-side, to show you your options and discuss and answer questions you might have, you get to be in the driver’s seat and learn to trust your own gut about what is best for you. We take the time to help you understand and choose what works for you. And this can be a little scary in a world where we are taught to ask others for their advice instead of trusting ourselves to know that we do have our own answers within.
In my coaching, I will compassionately call you out on self-sabotage and catch it when you talk down to yourself and judge yourself. I will gently remind you of how you did certain things in your life as a result of your conditioning and in order to get your needs met from a childhood where they may not have been met. I will help you forgive yourself and learn new ways to operate so that similar mistakes can be avoided in the future. I will help you move away from shaming yourself and show you how to de-stigmatize shame and trauma in order to get out of your own way in so many areas of your life. That inner critic of yours can be tamed after all.
Reading a book and watching videos or Ted Talks are great ways to learn, but the truth is that healing happens in relationship. It happens between a coach and client. There is opportunity for creating trust and for the client to see how wonderful he or she really is. Trauma can cause us to forget how lovable we are. I am sure some videos and books can help us remember this, but an actual human being you can have connection with can help you more. When a coach mirrors back to you how amazing you are and helps you change the negative reflection that you have believed and that others have projected onto you your entire life and start over with a new, more positive story about you than you have had previously, it helps you grow and transcend old patterns and pain that you never needed and do not need now. A coach helps you learn to trust yourself and others in this way. A coach helps you learn how to love yourself and be kind to yourself.
Your life can be abundant and happy. You are allowed and do deserve to feel joy. So many of us have learned that we are unworthy in some way; that the love we want is too good to be true; that only rich people deserve to be happy; that we can’t be rich; that perfectionism in work, our bodies, as parents, and in life is the only thing that matters; and that love is something that has to be earned. And these limiting beliefs and the stories and personal novels we create around them make our lives harder than they need to be. Once we can challenge and move past these limitations, our futures can be better. But, no one teaches us how to move past them, so the world continues to perpetuate illusions that are based in fear instead of moving past them and onto the real truth, which is that love (of self and others) is the basis of life and everything. And when we operate with the idea that we are lovable and good enough, we start to get along better with ourselves and everyone else. When we feel depressed and angry about believing we are not worthy, we get grumpy with others. And this causes us to lash out at people. Wars stem from self-hatred like this.
This is why I coach and love coaching as a healing modality. I actually help you move past the limiting beliefs, stories, and shame that your inner critic tells you about yourself so you can be free of inner fear blocks that are only lies you learned to create about yourself. They can be changed! I hold space for you and I make sure you know how unique you are and how this world needs you and more wonderful people just like you. Your decision to heal is no small feat and I am inspired and so honored to know people who want to change themselves for themselves, for their families, their friends, and the world. It takes each one of us doing our part to make big changes in this world. I admire and respect you for your healing. I do not take it lightly because I know how hard change and healing are. I am always in awe of my clients for digging deep, being courageous, and finding true emotional freedom from their suffering in order to be better individuals in their own, personal way, better spouses, better parents, better citizens of this world.
Other people coach about other things. There are thousands of wonderful coaches who all have their own niches. The good news is that you get to find the one who you resonate with who can help you achieve your particular goals. My particular wheelhouse is helping you move past your shame and the limitations your mind has created.
As someone who coaches and who has been coached by some amazing coaches, the transformation you can have with a coach is nothing short of amazing. My mouth is on the floor almost every day when I see my clients changing and healing right before my eyes and in a really short amount of time. If you think about it, in the grand scheme of our lifetime, three months is such a tiny amount of time to see some pretty big changes. I wish somehow that didn’t sound like a wild and crazy marketing statement, but it is the absolute truth—so long as you are willing to work on yourself, that is. But your work on yourself makes you feel a level of competency, clarity, calmness, self-compassion, and confidence that no one can ever take from you again.
