When Your Partner Treats You Like a Child
Being controlled and manipulated by your partner is emotional abuse.
As we know, children are the blessings of the world. Their innocence and sense of wonder, ability to learn, adapt, and be resilient in the face of hardship are amazing qualities that children possess. Children need guidance, structure, and correcting at times, too. Children are not born knowing how to live in this world and they need to be taught and shown how to do things. It’s basic, really. Right?
However, once we are adults, we usually do not want to be corrected and told what to do. Sure, there is a learning curve in knowing how to navigate our personal love and work relationships. We have to understand the basic parameters and boundaries of the relationship—the other person’s values, standards, imperfections, and idiosyncrasies—as well as the rules of our workplace. Once we know who or what we are dealing with, we can decide if this person or situation is right for us. Instead of changing the person or the workplace dynamics, we can choose to move on if it is not a good fit. Now, we know this often does not happen in relationships or in work situations. People do not want to be alone. People want to make it work once they have committed to someone for life. They don’t want to quit the job that gives them the income they need. And, sticking things out and loving your life the way it is is the ideal, of course.
However, what we often will do instead is we try to CHANGE the other person so that we can tolerate being in this relationship we promised to withstand until the end of time. After all, if they LOVE us, they will surely end up doing what WE want. And this is the downfall right here because no one is supposed to change for anyone else. You change for you and you alone. Trying to MAKE someone change for you is called control and manipulation. Now, if they come to you with the grand idea to change for their benefit (on their own), then that’s wonderful. A win-win! With work, we simply complain and hate our jobs hoping that one day things will change. They most likely won’t. The workplace is not designed to change for you. It is what it is. You have to change your attitude and preconceived notions; it’s not the other way around. Stay at that job or find another one, but stop complaining about things that will not change. What we do in our relationships is often the same thing: we complain about our partner and act like we are the victim of the life we chose to have instead of changing our attitude, working it out together or with a couples counselor, or moving away from the relationship.
In our codependent world, we are very often met with the criticism game in our relationships. Over time, we or our partner will start the lengthy and almost incessant litany of trying to correct our behaviors. At first, this may come across as an innocent suggestion such as, “You should fold the towels like I do because mine fit better in the closet than the way you fold them.” Ok, that’s cute in the first year or two of the relationship. Heck, maybe it’s only cute for the first 10 minutes of the relationship depending on how not okay you are with being treated like someone who is incompetent of doing basic things. When the person has a good suggestion for how to do something in a smarter way, that’s cool. Maybe you’ll take it on; maybe you won’t. You’re a grown adult, after all, so you’ll possibly consider it. Possibly. It’s your right to decide to try it or not to try it. Maybe it’s something you can negotiate and compromise on and maybe it’s not. This is up to you. This should not be a deal breaker for your partner, but if it is, then there’s the door, I guess. And, I am not suggesting to never compromise. If it takes away nothing from you, you’re okay doing it, and it will be a smarter way of doing something, then go for it. It’s really up to you. You just don’t want to lose who you are by becoming your partner’s clone. We are designed to be our unique selves, not someone else. Besides, didn’t they love you for YOU and how lopsidedly you folded the towels and burned the meatloaf back when you first fell in love? What happened to THAT person?
The problem arises when the person who needs to be in control can’t seem to stop nagging you about doing many things their way even after you have explained that you are not willing to change your way of doing something or that you don’t WANT to do it their way. You do have the right to say no, even if their way might be “better” in some way. This is called bullying and boundary crossing. When the person seems to judge you for not eating the foods they like and won’t stop harassing you even though you have kindly explained that you don’t like that food, it is emotional abuse. When someone needs absolute control of someone, they will stop at nothing to get it. All of a sudden, the once confident person you were has disappeared under a pile of, “You should be more like me and less like you ‘suggestions.’” You were once a person who could easily make decisions, balance a checkbook, and make dinner, and now you have been given the message that nothing you do, even if it is basic or you were once pretty darn good at, is done well enough. This creates a lot of shame inside of someone and the inner critic will take over and remind you often that, “You are not good enough unless you make the food taste this way, look a certain way, park the car in this perfectly straight line, act confident and be the best parent in every single way, and don’t be too available to people because you seem desperate when you do that.” You are simply not allowed to be you anymore in this kind of relationship. You are given the message directly or indirectly that even an antelope could figure out how to use a microwave better than you can. No offense to the beautiful, intelligent antelope, of course!
The emotionally abusive person needs for his or her victim to be on the exact same page as they are or they feel like they are not worthy. Their way has to be the only way or they feel like a failure. But what happens is that the person who is being controlled and having to be the clone of the abuser loses their entire self in the process. Losing your sense of self and your confidence to know how to fold a towel or make a decision about daily life activities is actually very dangerous for a person. When you become so dependent on another person to tell you how to act, speak, or feel, you are making yourself into a child who needs a parent. You have or you had parents. You WERE a child. You are now an adult with a PARTNER. This partner is not your parent. Period.
Being treated like you are a child who does not know the ways to be in the world makes you feel belittled, demeaned, and inherently unworthy. Loving yourself is the antidote to this kind of abuse. Healing the inner critic’s shaming domination can help you figure out if the person who is apparently “trying to help you” be a “better” human is doing this out of love or out of a need to control, manipulate, and dominate you in order for them to feel calm and safe within themselves. This is costing you your health, your happiness, and possibly your life. The person who is abusing you in this way can get help if they want it. For now, you can focus on helping yourself. Notice if this is happening to you. Pay close attention. This is a particularly insidious form of abuse that you might not even be aware of consciously. But, your body can feel this. It can feel like you are being energetically punched in the gut many, many times each and every day.
OUCH!
If you need help taming that pesky, shame-inflicting inner critic, please contact me for help. It is my specialty!
