Freeze Trauma Response: Understanding the Paralysis in Moments of Crisis
When it’s time to leave a toxic relationship, you instinctively do what you need to do to survive.
Surprisingly, you don't need the confidence to leave a toxic, poisonous, dysfunctional relationship. When it feels like (and actually IS!) life or death and your life is in peril from how your toxic person or people treat you, you’ll react. It's time to jump after the freeze trauma response kicks in and passes. Now you’re getting the hell out of there!
You can barter and negotiate with yourself and your people and loop around as long as you want in the cycle of abuse, drama, and dysfunction. This is normal and often very necessary to truly see and understand that you are being abused or mistreated. It is hard to see this at first when you are so up close and personal with it, especially if you have been groomed since childhood to accept abuse and your mind is used to it. But be aware that staying on this almost endless loop of asking “Why” only keeps you entangled longer. You might never understand or know the reasons why your abuser abuses you.
The fastest way to heal is just to face reality: they ARE abusing you. And as hard and as painful as this is to swallow, no matter what you do to help them, please them, or consider their viewpoints, nothing changes, and the act the way they act. End of story. Unless they change, they will not change. (For the record, change takes a very long time, but can be done. You can tell very clearly if they are changing or working toward change. It will be quite a striking contrast to how they are now.)
The fight, flight, and freeze trauma response.
The fight, flight, freeze trauma response refers to the three primary ways individuals react when faced with threatening or traumatic situations. These responses are deeply ingrained survival mechanisms designed to protect us from harm. The freeze response involves a state of immobility or paralysis, where the individual may feel unable to move or take action. The fight response manifests as aggression or confrontation, while the flight response involves the instinct to escape or flee from the danger. These responses are automatic and serve to increase our chances of survival in the face of perceived threats. Understanding these responses can provide insight into how individuals cope with trauma and inform approaches to trauma healing and recovery.
You won't have confidence right away when you leave a situation where you betrayed and abandoned yourself in hopes that your abuser would eventually love you the right way. You have been compromising and negotiating with them for your entire life or much of it while in a toxic relationship. You have lost self-trust, and you look to the abuser to tell you what is up, and how you should think and feel about many things.
You will have self-doubts and want to get validation and certainty from your abuser that they will make it okay for you to stay. They will SAY they will, but will they really back it up with actions? Or, will they only remind you of how much you do to them and what you accuse them of doing to you? They can’t take accountability for their behavior or risk feeling shame about their actions, so they may as well keep it on equal footing, right? (Because, let’s face it, shame feels AWFUL, and who wants to deal with remorse for bad behaviors?) They will insist that YOU are really no better than they are. This is gaslighting, by the way. It is better for them to lump you in with the times you have reacted to their abuse, and they remind you that you are sick.
So, will they change this time? Could you tell me? They have your number, and you have come back or stayed each time they have hurt you, so they see no real reason or benefit to themselves to change.
Jumping from a burning building does not require confidence.
You will feel fear, self-doubt, and insecurities about leaving your abuser, but something will click in and let you know when it is time to jump.
Don't worry, though. The moment WILL present itself when it's time to save your life, and at that point, you will feel fear of the unknown, but you will instinctively know that you will somehow manage and be better than okay once you go. Your higher self, your soul, the universe, God, or whomever you look to for guidance WILL let you know, in NO uncertain terms, when it is time to save your life. I promise you this.
Self-love is the answer here. When you start to heal your false beliefs and programming, you begin to recognize how it feels to love yourself and realize that you don’t want to settle for less than the love you can give yourself. This helps you see the contrast between the love you give to yourself and the “love” your abuser offers you. You will get the memo from your higher self that it is time to hit the road through this exact process of loving yourself.
The more you clear all the false beliefs and fear blocks from your inner self, the closer you get to your intuition, which is where your soul resides. So, my advice is to start working on healing your fears and false beliefs now while you still feel like you need to stay in an unhealthy situation. You cannot heal fully while being entrenched in the toxic soup, but you can start the process, which can shed a lot of light on what’s happening. This all goes out the window if you are in a physically abusive relationship where your life is truly at risk. Abuse only grows and escalates, and you are quite possibly at risk of being killed by your abuser. In this case, come up with a safety plan fast and move as soon as possible.
Healing from the fight, flight or freeze trauma response involves a compassionate and holistic approach that addresses trauma’s physical and emotional aspects. Through therapy, grounding techniques, and somatic practices, individuals can gradually release the freeze response, restoring a sense of safety, agency, and resilience in their lives.
Know that someone out there can and will meet and mirror you where YOU are at in your own self-love journey. After all, this is what happened with your abuser - you attracted your level of self-love to you. Believe that you can grow past this!
Faith over fear, baby!
Save your own life!
JUMP!
