Feeling Invisible and Unwanted: Unveiling the Unseen Self

Were you ever feeling invisible and unwanted? Do you presently feel that way?

Let’s talk about some of these tough feelings that distort our reality and can create a very dark lens on our world. Feeling invisible and unwanted due to abusive relationships and trauma can be an incredibly painful and disheartening experience. The effects of abuse can leave deep scars, leading to a sense of worthlessness and a belief that one is undeserving of love and attention.

Survivors may feel unseen, unheard, and unvalued, their voices silenced by the traumatic experiences they endured. It is crucial for those who have experienced such trauma to understand that the actions of their abusers do not define their worth. Healing and recovery involve rediscovering their inherent value, reclaiming their voice, and surrounding themselves with a support system that validates their experiences and helps them rewrite their narrative of self-worth and belonging.

Through therapy or coaching, self-compassion, and the empowerment that comes from breaking free from abusive cycles, survivors can gradually dismantle the feelings of invisibility and reclaim their right to be seen, heard, and loved. Let’s explore some other ways this feeling can impact our life, and our very powerful beliefs.

The root belief that you don’t really even matter is often at the heart of why you attract abusive people into your life.

One thing that you can start to notice if you are in an abusive relationship is that the abuser has to be the center of attention ALL THE TIME. They might be dismissive and discounting or even kind and generous toward you; both can happen, and both often will happen off and on in a very unpredictable manner—time and again—intermittently. This keeps you thrown off, confused, and scrambling to find love and happiness again. When the abuser is mostly kind and generous, seems interested in you, and is all about you, this is often a manipulative tactic to meet THEIR needs.

“If I am nice to you, you will do whatever I want” seems to be the thought process of an abusive person. If you are happy, you are not celebrated; you are competed with because abusive people are naturally jealous. You are belittled, lied to, cheated on, and controlled with fear, money, guilt, obligation, and shame. Their anger knows no bounds, and they often believe that their anger toward you and their treatment of you is justified because you have hurt them in some way. (By you “hurting” them, I mean when you don’t follow their plan for your life every second; you don’t immediately take their side when they do the wrong kinds of things to you or others; or you choose to do your own thing or make yourself a priority at times instead of them.)

Essentially, it’s when your own mind, desires, opinions, or behaviors are not exactly like theirs. This causes narcissistic injury for the abuser. You are left trying to please them and keep the peace so as not to be hurt overtly: violently with physical, sexual, or verbal attacks or, in more covert ways: passive-aggressive, vindictive, or sneaky attacks.

How will an abuser react to your feelings?

The experience of feeling invisible and unwanted can be isolating, eroding our self-confidence and leaving us questioning our value. By exploring the roots of these emotions and practicing self-compassion, we can begin to heal and cultivate a stronger sense of self-worth, gradually breaking free from the shadows of invisibility. In general, survivors of abuse often fear the abuser’s reactions, so they find ways to allow them to be in charge, make decisions, and do what they want so they are not harmed, seen as the ones who “can never be happy,” “the jealous type,” or who is “always negative.”

You walk on eggshells and try not to turn over the apple cart. Basically, you become increasingly invisible in your own life to get along. As time passes, you begin to realize there is no room for you in the relationship. You are not on equal footing. You are there to serve the interests of the abuser. Period. You start to feel like you don't even matter at all in the relationship. You are a planet orbiting them as the sun. You are there to do the abuser's bidding, or you are devalued and discarded.

And how does one even get into these abusive relationships to begin with? While it can happen to anyone in any walk of life, the subconscious (hidden below the level of consciousness) false beliefs that your needs don't really matter, that you deserve less, or that you are not important or good enough are belief themes that can be at the root of why you attract these kinds of people into your life. This is why this can happen to anyone—social status does not matter when it comes to how we are traumatized or conditioned as children and in our society overall. Shame is at the root of all trauma and abuse and shame creates a tough inner critic who sends the message to the child that he or she is less than in some way. Rich and poor alike abuse and traumatize their children. Peers and the educational system can also impact how a child perceives himself as well. We are all taught to believe in some way that we are not enough. Usually, these beliefs started young, before you could even realize they were taking hold—often before you had the language or the tools even to know how to combat them. To know this is actually very empowering because it means that you can change these beliefs and patterns within you and never attract it to yourself again.

The way to overcome and move away from abusive people is to start the process of loving and valuing yourself, finding your inherent worth, and changing these deeply-rooted false beliefs (which are lies). This helps you to start to recognize (perhaps for the very first time) the abuser’s behaviors that you may not have been able to see because you have been so used to being mistreated since childhood and in your life up until now by people (as well as your own inner critic) based on the energy you carry that shouts out to people: "I don't matter! Abuse me! I am okay with it!" This is NOT conscious on your part, by the way, nor is it your fault. This is happening in a part of your brain that is hidden from you. So, of course you are not aware of it and no, you don’t consciously SEEK this out. But energy is what drives everything and until you know how your energy is behaving, it’s very difficult to change it.

Although it is not your fault, it is your responsibility to heal your own energy and patterns to not carry them on further into absolute devastation, illness, and unhappiness in your own life and not carry this programming forward into other generations. Your emotional states create your energy. Your thoughts and beliefs about yourself create your emotional state. The pain of feeling invisible and unwanted is a real and valid experience, but it does not define our worth or our potential for happiness. Through self-reflection, seeking support, and embracing our unique qualities, we can transform our perception of ourselves and create a life where we are valued, celebrated, and seen for the remarkable individuals we are.

So, the idea is to start to shrink the inner critic and change the false beliefs to create a different, more positive, TRUER belief system about yourself, which leads to different emotional states within yourself (like inner peace and happiness that arises from the confidence, freedom, and self-worth that have replaced those old, outdated false beliefs). This way, you begin to send out the message that you are lovable, valuable, respectable, and worthy, and you stop attracting and allowing the energy of someone who can take advantage of you. This helps you start to stand solidly in your truth and have internal and external boundaries. In this way, you can be forever free from being hooked into abuse of all kinds. I hope this article has helped you in some way!