Abuse Reflection: My Personal Thoughts On Abuse
Abuse reflection can help survivors gain insight into their experiences
Abuse of any kind is always about power and control. Whether someone is inflicting physical, sexual, verbal, emotional, spiritual, or financial abuse onto someone, it is all about the abuser having as much power and control as possible. Abuse is a huge public health concern, and it is a crime that often goes unrecognized and unpunished due to the victim’s lack of reporting. This is because the victim is very often a close family member—a spouse or romantic partner, a child, an elderly parent—or an employee or religious congregant.
There is often a lot of fear and shame tied into being abused as well as the hope and anticipation that this will be the “last time” the abuser abuses. It is important to know that abuse can happen to anyone. Although marginalized populations are more at risk for domestic abuse, abuse crosses all socioeconomic barriers. Age, religion, sexual orientation, educational level, and color do not matter. Anyone can be abused!
The many types of abuse to be aware of
Abuse can come in many forms, and it is important to be aware of these types of abuse to recognize when they happen to ourselves or others! From physical and sexual abuse to emotional, financial, and spiritual abuse, the effects of abuse can be devastating and long-lasting. Knowing the different types of abuse can help us to identify red flags and warning signs and take steps to protect ourselves and those we care about. This article will explore the many types of abuse and provide insights into how to recognize and prevent them.
Physical abuse
The most obvious form of abuse is physical abuse. You can see the bruises, cigarette burns, lacerations, and broken bones. Restraining someone is also considered physical abuse, as is physical or emotional neglect, which means that a dependent (of any age) is left without basic needs such as food, water, shelter, safety, clothing, medical or dental care, supervision, attention, love, care, nurturing or emotional support.
Physical abuse is a devastating form of abuse that can leave visible scars on a victim's body and cause long-lasting emotional trauma. It can include hitting, slapping, pushing, kicking, choking, burning, or any other act that causes physical harm to the victim. Restraining someone against their will is also a form of physical abuse, as it can cause significant distress and injury.
In addition to physical violence, physical abuse can also take the form of neglect. This means that regardless of age, a dependent person is deprived of basic needs such as food, water, shelter, safety, clothing, medical or dental care, supervision, attention, love, care, nurturing or emotional support. This neglect can be intentional or unintentional and can have severe consequences for the victim's physical and mental well-being.
Physical abuse can have serious long-term consequences for the victim, including chronic pain, disability, and mental health issues such as depression, anxiety, and PTSD. It is important to recognize the signs of physical abuse and seek help if you or someone you know is experiencing it. If you suspect that someone is being physically abused or neglected, it's important to report it to the appropriate authorities to ensure their safety and well-being.
Verbal abuse
Verbal abuse is also fairly obvious as well. When someone calls you stupid or tells you you are worthless, it stings, and you can feel attacked or belittled. Yelling, using sarcasm or a condescending tone, threatening or intimidating, harassing, and coercing are also verbal abuse.
Verbal abuse can profoundly impact an individual's mental health and self-esteem. It's not limited to name-calling or explicit insults but includes tone, sarcasm, and language intended to belittle, shame, or manipulate the victim. The effects of verbal abuse can be long-lasting and can lead to anxiety, depression, and even post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). Moreover, verbal abuse is often used to control and dominate the victim. When someone uses their words to intimidate or harass another person, it can create an environment of fear and erode their sense of self-worth. It's crucial to recognize the signs of verbal abuse and take steps to address it, whether it be by setting boundaries or seeking support from a trusted friend, family member, or mental health professional.
Sexual abuse
According to the Association for the Treatment of Sexual Abusers (ATSA),
“Sexual abuse includes any sexual or sexually motivated behavior that is done to someone without that person’s consent. This includes a continuum of intrusive behaviors ranging from hands-off offending, such as voyeurism and verbal comments, up to and including sexual penetration with or without violence. The key is that there is no consent.”
Sexual abuse usually happens between people who know one another and is usually not done between strangers, although that also happens. Sexual abuse is often very hidden, and only the perpetrator and the victim know that it has happened unless the victim tells someone. Very often, the victim is heavily controlled and manipulated and is threatened by the abuser to keep this kind of abuse a secret.
Sexual abuse can have devastating effects on the victim, including feelings of shame, guilt, and powerlessness. It can be especially traumatic when the abuser is someone the victim knows and trusts, such as a family member, friend, or intimate partner. The power dynamic in sexual abuse is often unequal, with the abuser using their position of authority or influence to coerce the victim into participating in sexual acts against their will.
One of the most challenging aspects of sexual abuse is that it often goes unnoticed or unreported. Victims may feel too ashamed or afraid to speak out about what has happened to them, and may not even realize that what they experienced was sexual abuse. This can lead to feelings of isolation and a lack of support, which can make it even more difficult to heal from the trauma.
It's important to remember that sexual abuse is never the victim's fault and that there is help and support available. If you or someone you know has experienced sexual abuse, it's important to seek help from a trusted healthcare provider, therapist, or support group. Reporting sexual abuse to the appropriate authorities can also help to hold the abuser accountable and prevent further harm to others.
Financial abuse
Financial abuse happens when someone takes control of another’s financial responsibilities, denies allowing them to work, controls their income, accumulates debt in their name, and creates a dependency in the victim to the abuser.
Financial abuse is a type of abuse that is often overlooked or misunderstood, yet it can have serious consequences for the victim's well-being and independence. Financial abuse can take many forms, including taking control of another person's finances, denying them the opportunity to work or earn income, controlling their income or spending habits, and accumulating debt in their name.
One of the most insidious aspects of financial abuse is that it often creates a dependency on the abuser. By controlling the victim's finances, the abuser can limit their ability to leave the relationship, seek help, or even meet their basic needs such as food, shelter, and healthcare. This can lead to feelings of helplessness and hopelessness, as well as significant financial hardship.
Financial abuse can happen in any type of relationship, including romantic partnerships, family relationships, and friendships. It is often part of a larger pattern of control and manipulation, and it can have serious long-term consequences for the victim's financial stability, credit score, and overall well-being.
If you or someone you know is experiencing financial abuse, it's important to seek help from a trusted friend, family member, or professional. This may include speaking with a financial advisor, seeking legal assistance, or contacting a domestic violence or abuse support group. Remember that financial abuse is never the victim's fault, and there is help available to break free from the cycle of abuse and regain financial independence.
Spiritual abuse
Spiritual abuse occurs when someone in power uses religion, God, or beliefs to control someone. This can happen in relationships as well as within a religious community. Cult leaders can often use spiritual abuse to control their followers, but clergypersons are also capable of this.
Spiritual abuse is a form of emotional abuse that is often experienced in religious or spiritual contexts. It occurs when someone in a position of power, such as a religious leader or community member, uses religion or spirituality to manipulate, control, or harm others.
Examples of spiritual abuse can include using religious teachings or beliefs to justify abuse, threatening or punishing someone for questioning or challenging religious authority, pressuring someone to conform to certain beliefs or practices, or shaming someone for not adhering to religious or spiritual standards.
One of the most insidious aspects of spiritual abuse is that it can be difficult to recognize or acknowledge. Victims of spiritual abuse may feel guilt or shame for questioning religious authority, or they may feel trapped in a cycle of manipulation and control. In some cases, spiritual abuse can even lead to a loss of faith or a spiritual crisis.
It's important to recognize that spiritual abuse is a real and serious form of abuse and that it can have lasting emotional and psychological effects. It may be beneficial to seek support from a religious or spiritual community that is more accepting and supportive or even leave an abusive religious or spiritual group altogether. Remember that spiritual abuse is never justified!
Emotional abuse
I want to discuss emotional abuse more than the other kinds because emotional abuse is the most insidious form of abuse there is, and it is also the way most of the world operates, so it goes under the radar most of the time. Many of us think that how we are treated by our partners, bosses, friends, and family is “normal.” This keeps the abuse alive and strong in our society and in our intimate relationships.
Control and manipulation are the primary weapons used in this type of abuse. Bullying, patronizing, humiliation, isolating, frightening projecting, and gaslighting- convincing someone that what they saw, heard, or believe is not true even when they are right—are at the heart of emotional abuse.
Gaslighting happens when the abuser absolutely will not agree at all with what the victim is saying or feeling and refuses to listen to or believe their perspective.
This kind of abuse happens in intimate relationships between adults as well as between parents and children. It can also happen in churches and other spiritual communities. Emotional abuse occurs when the victim believes the abuser completely and does not trust themselves. They have turned their own self-trust and belief in their intuition and what they know to be true over to the abuser. They have given away their power.
Often, the victim feels confused about how the abuser treats them. The abuser is not always abusive. If they were, the victim would have left them ages ago, right? So, there is intermittent reinforcement that takes place.
Let’s say, there is a big fight.
The abuser is cruel, heartless, controlling, manipulative, belittling, gaslighting, etc., and then, later on, the abuser goes back to treating the victim like nothing ever happened. There is a honeymoon period at that point. And this causes what is known as cognitive dissonance, which is a fancy way of saying that the brain is holding two competing thoughts about something (or someone, in this case). The brain likes to have consistency, but when the abuser is abusive one minute, and showers the victim with praise, gifts, love, and affection and acting like all is well the next, it causes confusion for the victim’s brain. The victim doesn’t know which end is up! And the victim usually is just spent going round and round on this hamster wheel of being gaslighted and emotionally and verbally tortured into believing the abuser and disbelieving what the victim feels and knows to be true for him or herself. The victim just wants peace now and will agree with the abuser to end the argument. And this is why the abuser can act like all is well after the fight has ended—he or she won, after all!
And, regarding the victim, this is not the sign of a weak, clueless person either. No. This person loves and trusts his abuser to have his back. At the beginning of the relationship, the abuser was NICE. They adored and doted on their victim. They acted like they had everything in common with the victim. They mirrored what the victim liked and was interested in in order to be able to convince the victim that they were destined or soulmates. This is very intoxicating to the victim. It intoxicates most people who dream of falling in love and being happy. After all, it’s only human nature to want to be in love and to be seen and understood so well. And the abuser knows this. They know what they can do to create this fantasy of perfect love. That’s why I believe abuse reflection is so critical of a process when you get the space and clear head to step back!
The abuser’s behavior is confusing.
In actuality, it’s nothing short of a mindfuck, and it can take years, decades, or lifetimes to unravel from this kind of toxic connection. This is why it is said that abuse can happen to anyone from any walk of life. You can be as brilliant as Einstein and still be emotionally abused. It can happen to anyone, and it very often does.
So, back to this example. The victim just wants to get back to love and happiness again. This reinforcement of the happy times is what happens when the abuser “intermittently” showers them with the love and connection the victim felt when they first fell in love. And, to make matters worse, the victim usually blames him or herself for the abuser’s behavior (and the abuser usually does this as well). The victim might think, “[the abuser] was so nice before, so what did I do to make them so angry and hurtful now?”
Emotional abuse is part of every other kind of abuse as well. Emotional abuse is usually what the abuser starts with because if they can control, manipulate, and gaslight their victim successfully, then there is no reason to advance to the verbal, sexual, or physical level. However, that can and does happen as well.
Have you been or are you currently being abused? If you are confused about this question, please ask yourself what that is about. Abuse reflection is a crucial step towards healing and breaking free from the cycle of abuse. People who are not being abused know for a fact that they are not being abused.
