You Were Conned
Why it’s not your fault that you got involved with a narcissist.
He seemed so perfect. A little nerdy, really funny. She hung onto every word you said. You never felt so interesting or so beautiful—inside and out—to anyone in your entire life. You had found your ONE, your soulmate. You were the luckiest person alive!
All those other losers you dated were long gone now. You finally found Mr. Right—the one who would never betray you, lie to you, or leave you. You placed all of your eggs into one basket. You sealed the deal. You threw away the key to your heart. You were set for a life with the one person who loved you entirely—warts and all.
The Narcissist’s Goals
A person who has narcissistic tendencies or who has been straight up diagnosed with Narcissistic Personality Disorder has deep abandonment wounds. They likely suffered from horrendous trauma that they cannot and will not ever access or remember, process, or heal. As a child, it was, for them, way too terrifying to face. They may have been highly sensitive children and even empathic and the trauma, neglect, or abuse they encountered with a caregiver was simply too much for them to handle or process. In order to find some level of protection, parts of them sought to protect them by helping them hide under a warm and heavy blanket of shame. Shame is a great protector when we are little and it helps us to stay alive because it tells us in ever-looping tapes in our minds, “No more! Never again! Be good or you will be hated, rejected, left. You will die!” So, these little ones get stuck under this blanket of shame and they end up operating their entire lives from a deep, deep fear of rejection. Because of this fear of being rejected and thus abandoned, the narcissist learns, like we all do, to adapt with coping mechanisms.
Narcissists will use the same kinds of adaptive coping mechanisms that anyone will use. They might fight, flee, freeze, or fawn just like anyone who has been traumatized. Unlike the majority of us who can recover from our past wounding and change our ways of approaching the world and life, narcissists seem to have permanently overlayed trauma reactions which serve to protect them from further abuse, neglect, rejection, and trauma. Their bodies, in an attempt to protect them from more abuse and trauma, keep them in a frozen state at the age at which the trauma occurred. This is why they can often seem like children who don’t quite “get it” or who act very immature. If a narcissist ever sits down with themselves long enough to self-reflect or think about their past, their trauma, times they were rejected or abandoned by lovers, or their mistakes in general, they start to unthaw from that freeze which can send them into HUGE levels of dysregulation in their nervous systems. They can feel shame and guilt which they cannot face at all. They can go into anxiety as the fight or flight reactions come to the surface for processing. This is very frightening for anyone who thaws out from a freeze reaction, but to a narcissist this can feel life-threatening. So, they don’t spend too much time self-evaluating and they spend a lot of their time instead finding people who will make sure to praise them so they will never have to feel shame again. To the narcissist, if someone thinks they are amazing, then they are less likely to leave them which proves to the narcissist that they are good and not someone who is shameful and could be rejected. They need this constant stream of “good vibes” from agreeable people in every corner of their lives so that they never, ever have to be alone in their negative thoughts and emotions. In other words, they are always “fed” good things. They will work hard to secure supply everywhere they go if necessary.
Even if they were born empathic, sensitive, open, and vulnerable, due to their trauma, they seem to lose this or to cover this up under layers of shame and fear. Eventually, they can no longer easily step into someone’s shoes and feel and understand how someone might feel and so they don’t take precautions when harming someone. This would expose their vulnerabilities too much and keep them open to potential rejection which is not fathomable to the narcissist. So, they shove that empathy far away into their deepest selves and they literally cannot get how someone is hurt or harmed by their behaviors, which, to them, seem innocent and harmless. Remember that they are often operating from a child’s mindset and perspective and children are not developed enough to have full empathy for others. Believe it or not, these little ones who grow up to be narcissistic might have been born very empathic, but true compassion and empathy comes later on in life after children have gone through the egoic stage, which is a very normal and necessary part of child development. However, if a child is not allowed to be “self-centered” during this important time period and is abused or shamed for it or if they are traumatized during this time of development, they can get “stuck” in the egoic stage for good.
So, the primary goal any narcissist has is to get the love, attention, adoration, connection (aka supply) that they did not fully get or get at all as children. They want a lot of attention, praise, glory, and to be right and “okay” in the world and so they find people who will do their bidding—be agreeable, praise them, and be open to being (not consciously of course) emotionally, verbally, financially, sexually, or physically abused by them. If someone does not agree with them or follow their line of thinking, the narcissist becomes deeply wounded and will often punish the person who stands in opposition to their values and beliefs. When you go against their line of thinking, they develop what is known as a “narcissistic injury.” Even if you simply disagree about what to have for dinner, this can be enough to wound their sensitive egos. They can feel so deeply rejected by this that they will actually hate and resent you for it, become vengeful, lie, run around on you, get you fired, make your friends and family think less of you, or any number of things. They are very jealous, possessive, and vindictive people and it might sound strange that they would hate someone for disagreeing about what to have for dinner, but it’s only because they never really loved you to begin with. They were using you to fill their enormous and endless voids. You are meant to be used as a tool to make their lives mean something. That is all.
They saw your light and your confidence as something they wanted for themselves. They wanted to mimic you and learn how to be a normal human who has good qualities. Remember that they live from shame and someone who lives from shame does not think highly of themselves. They constantly self-reject as their first and foremost way of interacting in the world. They will reject you first so as not to be rejected or to be seen or thought of as “wrong.” They think everyone will reject them unless they act like “normal’ and “good” people. So, they have to be attached to someone who is good and steal that person’s identity, confidence, and good nature for themselves. As you can tell, this can become very dangerous for you if you are in a relationship with a narcissist and have disagreements, which all couples have from time to time. The narcissist won’t easily let you “win” a disagreement. She has to be in control and “right” at every turn or face her own very real fears of being “wrong” and open to the vulnerability of being rejected, abandoned, and having their ego completely annihilated.
The Importance of Love-Bombing for the Narcissist
When you met your narcissist, you may or may not have had your own level of trauma. Most of us on the planet have, but trauma is a very subjective experience, and whatever I considered traumatic in my life might not really seem like trauma to you and vice versa. You may have been feeling the sting of past loves gone wrong where you were left, abandoned, and feeling rejected and unlovable. You might have been raised by narcissistic parents, or you might have had the perfect life up until now. It doesn’t really matter. A happy, confident, intelligent, and beautiful person is the perfect prey for the narcissistic predator, no matter your particular background. Generally, narcissists target people who are pleasers and who fawn as a trauma response. They don’t want fighters or anyone who flees. They want you to be loyal and to stay committed to pleasing, praising, approving of, and deferring to their brilliance at all times, no matter how wrong they might be or how energy depleted and exhausted you become. The idea is always that you do their bidding. If you have had some bad past experiences in your life with family or ex-lovers, you are absolutely perfect for these love-bombers because they can sense on an energetic level that you really want to be loved and treated well this time around. It’s like they can smell it on you. This is also why these kinds of predators are called “energy vampires.” They vant to suck your blood! Not really, but they do actually want to take your essence and life force. And this is not just fancy, fictitious writing embellishment either. It’s a real and true thing. However, you also don’t have to have had anything bad happen to you to be targeted and conned by these characters.
When you encounter this kind of person, you get swept off your feet by them. At first, they are so charming and funny, they listen and seem so interested, and they are so INTO you. Maybe you even like the same foods, television shows, and share similar hobbies and interests. Perhaps you have work in common. It’s captivating, thrilling, and exciting to have all this attention! All of us want attention, not just the narcissist. I mean, we are human after all. We want love. We long to find that special person who really sees us and get us. There is nothing wrong with that! This is what romance novels and children’s fairy tales are made of after all.
The narcissist knows how to mirror their prey. When you are taken in by them and placed under their spell, you can’t easily see how phony they are. You simply feel "loved” and so you place all of your trust into them very quickly. The love-bombing is so addictive and feels so right and real that you almost can’t even help yourself. You might think, “My soulmate has arrived!” They might be very charming in the workplace or they might be very cruel to certain people they meet in life, but for the most part, when a narcissist wants to impress anyone in their life, they can very easily fool their friends, family, loved ones, and strangers. They can create a devoted legion of followers (usually known as flying monkeys) by simply paying attention, listening, and doing basic human relating to find out what truly matters to them so that they can make them feel important and valued. Essentially, it’s love-bombing everyone they need supply from. They will ask many personal questions, listen keenly to what they say, and learn quickly what people want and need in order to make them feel valuable and validated. Most of us never really are listened to or heard. We are not validated by our family, spouses, friends, or bosses as much as we want, and the narcissist knows how to play into these needs. They learned at a really young age how to survive by pleasing and manipulating in order to stay safe and to survive their abusive environments. They might seem empathetic but they are using a form of empathy that is from the mind only. They have learned how to act like or pretend that they are empathizing with you in order to trick you into thinking they care—again, so you will be on their side and think they are the victim or that they are the good guy.
Narcissists constantly manipulate and cultivate relationships while you are with them that will have you looking like the bad, selfish, crazy person so that when they have taken all of your good qualities and they have dumped you off and left you as an empty shell who doesn’t even know how to tie your own shoes anymore, make decisions for yourself, or remember your full name, they will seem like the winner and you the loser—even to your closest family and friends--who will now think that maybe they never really knew the REAL you after all. The narcissist can trick and fool even your closest family members into thinking the worst about you. And if you came from a family who already abused and shamed you and told you that you were a “bad” person, well, then, even better for the narcissist because it doesn’t take much for your family members to feel validated that you are, in fact, a really crappy person. Part of the love-bombing they do with you is to find out your secrets, your family and life history and then to create triangulations with those people, themselves, and you so that you look like the bad one. They form alliances with your enemies or loved ones who have hurt you in the past so that all the bullies are on one side against you—the “crazy” one. And once you are in a relationship with this kind of person and they push the envelope and their true colors come out, you start to see who they really are and you don’t understand what’s happening. You are confused about who this new person is. What happened to the other one who thought I was the best thing ever? This can make you understandably angry, sad, insecure, and feel kind of, well, crazy. This “game” is literally designed to be “crazy-making” and to make you appear crazy.
What the heck is happening here?!?! You simply TRUSTED this person beyond all level of comprehension and now they are doing totally foreign and unimaginable things that make you question your own sanity and value system. Your emotional reactions to finding out that you have been scammed by a liar are warranted, of course. But, they are also used to fuel the flames of how “crazy” you are because whatever the narcissist is doing is either unnoticed by others or those others would never think anything of that behavior or that the person would NEVER do such things and that you are the liar. They have conned everyone into thinking they are the do-gooder and you are an unfit wreck. And, by now, you might even feel like an unfit wreck much of the time and it’s because your nervous system is being dysregulated constantly by intermittent reinforcement, the confusion of gaslighting, and the cognitive dissonance you feel at each and every turn. Your brain cannot keep up with Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. You are quite literally living in a maze that you had no idea you ever got into and cannot at all figure out how to get out of.
On the other side of the coin, when a narcissist doesn’t really care to impress someone, they are very cold, cruel, and contemptuous. And if they feel jealous or threatened by someone, that person better watch out because the narcissist feels no remorse or fear about taking them down if they are in their way. Remember, the entire goal of the narcissist is to win at any cost because losing might mean rejection and ego annihilation.
This is not rocket science but the narcissist will take pleasing and manipulating outsiders to a whole other level in order to win the “competition” that you likely never knew you were entered into or wanted to be involved in. For all intents and purposes, you were merely thinking this was a love relationship with your soulmate, right? You weren’t interested in game-playing or winning anything. You needed to get the chores done, get kids to soccer practice, make food, get some exercise in, hang out with your bestie and watch your favorite shows each night, have date nights and get-aways on occasion, plan nice parties and vacations, and live a relaxing life. It is a simple plan, really. Well, unfortunately, this is not what your “soulmate” intended at all.
This is A Danger Zone That You Can Escape From
It’s easier said than done, but can you see why people advise to go absolutely no-contact with these kinds of people? I know you might be thinking that they had such a sad little traumatic life as kids and it’s not their fault. I get that really well, I promise, but my answer to that is a firm no. Having more compassion for someone who is harming you than you have for yourself only takes you down into the ditch with them. Once you are in that ditch, the narcissist will simply use your head as a step stool to get him- or herself out of said ditch and leave you down there to rot. We all have the ability to get help and to heal if we choose to and narcissists are no exception. The problem is that if they are a diagnosed narcissist, they have a true mental illness called a personality disorder that they need help for and could get treated for, but that they will likely never seek help for because they do not see a problem with how they behave. If they could see that they were traumatized early in life and face that, they stand a chance, just like any of us do, to get better. But, that is a tall ask for them, unfortunately, since looking closely at what happened to them and the shame that goes with that is very, very difficult to do. The shame tells them that they ARE bad and maybe even that whatever happened to them was because of them and their behavior, which is patently not true. They were innocent children after all.
So, instead of healing, narcissists grow up under that shame blanket and genuinely believe that anyone who challenges them deserves to be taken down and hated. They usually cannot be reasoned with and they instead project their own shame, self-rejection, self-hate, and wrong-doings onto their victims. They completely disown these shameful parts of themselves and blame their victim as the one with the issues. Because of the projecting, the gaslighting they do to you, and the cognitive dissonance you have since you really thought they were your true soulmate, they can confuse you into thinking that maybe you are the bad or crazy one who can’t make decisions or be a grown-up anymore. And, since they have convinced your closest people that you are losing it, you don’t have any support networks who can be there for you and defend you as the good person you truly are.
Narcissists are forever and always concocting ways to take you down and appear to be the good one as compared to you. It’s premeditated and it’s what they live and breathe to do. Their love-bombing was never, ever about love. It was about using you to make them feel mighty and normal when they don’t know how to be normal. In the end, they hate you. They despise you and they never loved you because they feel no love for themselves or for anyone. Love was taken from them a long time ago and you absolutely cannot love anyone if you do not love yourself first and foremost. This is a universal truth. They are the epitome of pain, danger, and insecurity. You will never feel safe with this kind of person because he or she is always working toward your demise. Any “safety” you feel is you simply trying to find comfort and survival in a really scary situation with a really dangerous person because you made a decision when you were being lied to, flattered, and love-bombed to trust them. You simply made a mistake that anyone can and often does make. They ended up hating and despising the person they pretended to love and worship above all others. They lied to you. You did nothing wrong but fall in love.
Self-love is the antidote for all forms of abuse.
The reality is that you are likely a very compassionate, normal, loving, and empathetic person which is a great start! This means that you have the ability to get stronger and to heal from this kind of abusive cycle and relationship. When you are attracted to a narcissistic person, you are usually someone who has a lot of light inside of you or the narcissist would not be attracted to you. If you were mean, closed off, or saw through their crap straight away, they would avoid you and probably even be hateful toward you. Narcissists only like those who they can easily manipulate and control. And this isn’t to say that you are weak if you got caught up with one. It’s just that you are GOOD. You care and love and are empathetic and you might even project THAT onto people and think that everyone is good just like you are. And, unfortunately, you might just find out that not everyone is good. Many out there are not good and will seek out and make it their life’s mission to destroy you, especially if you have the audacity to ever disagree with their bad behaviors, their poor values, or even whether to have chocolate versus vanilla ice cream. It can be THAT small of a thing that makes a narcissist angry and spiteful. This is a sad reality of our world. But, the great news is that you can become abuse and narcissist proof.
If you need help with this, please contact me for coaching. I coach people about how to truly love themselves and start to better see how they are being mistreated and abused, how they are being made to feel less than and not enough and how to work past these false beliefs, break these toxic patterns, and come home to their true and authentic good self.
