The Silent Scream of Shame
Feeling frozen or petrified with shame is exactly what shame does to us.
Shame is…well…it really, really is NOT fun. Right? When we get the slightest whiff of it, we immediately want to crawl into a hole and hide, be buried alive, or disappear for good. Even though you have certainly felt shame in your life and it’s not fun, shame is actually a pretty well-hidden emotion. There is healthy shame that is more like guilt about something you have done that is “bad” and needs some correcting. It lasts for several hours or at most a few days. There is embarrassment, which also lasts a short time and makes you flush in the face. Later, you might even laugh about what happened. And then there is toxic shame that is pervasive, continual and tells you that YOU are “bad.” This can last an entire lifetime if not met with and healed. And, honestly, I don’t know too many people who really want to meet with their shame head on. It just feels THAT bad. It is said that every mental health issue has, at its root, shame. If we only helped people with their shame, the entire Diagnostic and Statistical Manual-5 (DSM-5) that mental health professionals use to diagnose their patients, could be reduced to a pamphlet. And that is one thick book! So, shame is at the heart of trauma coaching with me because shame IS trauma.
How Exactly is Shame Hidden?
Shame is a primary master emotion that taps down on secondary emotions such as grief, fear, anger, and joy (and many other emotions as well) in order to freeze them in place so we can’t express them. The reason shame did this to us as children in traumatic homes is because it was protecting us from MORE abuse or trauma. It means well—really it does. So, freezing in shame is definitely a thing that happens. Sometimes it feels like you are frozen in fear and that is true, too, because fear and shame kind of compete and fear doesn’t get tapped down as easily as other, secondary emotions do. But, I will argue that when you were a child and something terrifying happened to you such as you were physically or sexually abused or were called hurtful and damaging names that made you feel rejected or you were left and abandoned in some way, you were not only feeling shame at that time, but also a whole lotta fear. So, going into a petrified whole-body freeze might feel like a spot-on description to you.
The action tendency of shame is to shut us down—to make us hide, fall asleep, escape through drugs, alcohol, food, shopping, or even to commit suicide if it goes unchecked for too long. It does not activate our nervous systems into fight or flight as other emotions do. We cannot cathart or release shame in the same way we can with grief (tears), anger (screaming), or fear (shaking) either. It has to be seen and unfrozen.
Shame binds with these other emotions and hides, too. And these other emotions cannot truly be expressed well so long as shame is covering them. Sure, we can cry and feel anger or fear at times. But, have you ever noticed that if you are feeling any of these things, your inner critic (shame) tells you to “Get over yourself,” “Stop crying like a baby,” “What do you have to be angry about? Your life is GREAT!” This is how we know that shame is still freezing these other emotions. You can’t fully process them when shame is judging and shaming you for feeling them. Or, it can also happen if you are in a relationship with someone who will not “allow” you to feel anything other than happy feelings because of their own hidden shame.
Here is one example of how hidden shame takes over. Some men go into anger when they feel shame about themselves in some way. For instance, let’s say that he is trying to be open and vulnerable with his girlfriend and he suddenly starts to feel really stupid about professing his love to her. His inner critic starts to bully him by saying, “You are so stupid. She is going to think you’re a simp or something. You are being so ridiculous. She is going to have you whipped any minute now!” Well, well that is quite a litany of shame, isn’t it? So, he gets angry with himself for being so clingy and needy and vulnerable. He feels afraid that he has done something regretful, too. He believes that she could reject or abandon him for being so open. So, he pulls back, shuts down in shame, and simultaneously feels angry at himself for being so forward. However, he projects this anger and shame onto HER in some way, making it her fault. What?? And, if you ask him later if he felt any shame at all in this scenario, he would be pretty hard-pressed to find the shame response that created that fear and anger reaction. (Mainly because the inner critic’s shame-based false beliefs hide in the unconscious part of the mind.) He would likely not recognize that shame was the driving force in this interaction. In fact, he might justify his anger by suggesting that his girlfriend did something to incite it. Did she? We don’t really know because we were not there, but taken at face value, it seems like no. HIS inner critic shamed him and created this issue for them.
This is why we all need to handle our own inner healing work in order to have harmony in relationships. Unless this man decides to look very carefully at what sets him off (triggers him) when he gets close to his intimate partners, he might end up all alone. Being vulnerable with our intimate partners can cause a lot of inner shame, especially if we were shamed for expressing our true selves (being vulnerable) as children.
How Can We See Shame If It is Hidden?
When we are ready to look at shame and the false beliefs it has created in us and we change the beliefs and the stories, we start to unfreeze from the trapped emotions. Working with a trauma recovery coach such as myself can help you unfreeze from the shame binds by leading you to discover those hidden, pesky, limiting beliefs, changing them, and moving forward in your life,
My personal shame freeze came from feeling abandoned and rejected. At some point as a child, I felt abandoned by someone I loved dearly and I froze in shame and terror. Then, I did not want to feel that terror and shame anymore, so I abandoned myself in favor of fawning or pleasing and appeasing people in my life so I would never feel the terror of being abandoned again. I chased love and approval. I became the funny (as in the class clown who was laughed at) and chubby girl who did not perform well in school and was last to be picked for sports teams. I made a decision from my shame to play small and be invisible in order to belong and feel safe in my world. If I was too pretty or too smart, too athletic or too talented then I ran the risk of making someone feel jealous or threatened in some way and of being abandoned or rejected again. It was not acceptable for me to be the fun, shiny, happy, and loving girl I actually was at my core. My laughter and joy also were not celebrated unless I was entertaining others by making people laugh or being the butt of the joke. Then I was acceptable—for at least a minute or two. So, it was safer for me to play small, never shine, take care of others’ issues, be kind of a dorky, clumsy, chunky, dumb girl and not rock any boats—ever.
Ending Self-Abandonment and Coming Home to Ourselves
My inner critic bullied and shamed me by telling me that I was only worthy if I was entertaining people, chasing them for love, and only good enough if I was used in some way. It told me that I didn’t matter, was not to be respected, I was not lovable or valuable unless I was of service to others and ignored myself. Pretty hardcore, huh? And I lived out that line of thinking and that story for a LONG time, let me tell you! I think many of us have these false beliefs (lies) driving our busses and you know what? Everyone can find these false beliefs and change them. This is the inner work we do to remember who we truly are and step fully into our happiness, freedom, and self-love.
Now that I have changed my limiting beliefs that my shame and inner critic bullied me with for most of my life, I no longer abandon myself in order to please people. I can be present in my body and feel all the fear, anger, and sadness that my shame held down. When we hold down all that pain (suppress it in our bodies) for many decades, we have a lot of stored energy—emotions such as anxiety, fear, deep grief, and anger. And why wouldn’t we? We were HURT! Releasing these emotions helps us to heal our bodies on all levels—mentally, emotionally, and physically. Being WITH these emotions helps them feel seen, validated, and honored, which helps our health improve greatly. Now my energy flows and I am connected to myself again. Being brave enough to do the inner, hidden belief work that shame caused as well as getting back into our bodies to release the emotions is how we liberate and love ourselves.
The freedom to be your authentic self and to feel connected, calm, clear, confident, courageous, creative, compassionate, and curious is, in my humble opinion, the very best way to live life. This is an empowered state of being that moves you forward in a healthy and happy way. You can have your own back, find your truest passions and life purpose, and connect with your loved ones in a straight-forward, truthful, and vulnerable way without feeling shame for it.
When we stop abandoning and rejecting ourselves, we love all of our emotions…we love ourselves.
My hope is that you will unfreeze from your shame, change your limiting beliefs, feel your deepest emotions, and move forward in your best life.
I am a passionate limiting beliefs hunter and changer, so please contact me if you want to see how I can help you in this process of trauma and shame recovery and self-love.
