Over-functioning For the Under-functioner

In codependent, emotionally abusive relationships, there is often one person who over-functions and another who under-functions.

In healthy relationship dynamics there are two grown adults who are whole and complete within themselves. They are sovereign and interdependent, have taken care of their childhood wounding, can keep track of their finances, keep a house in order, make healthy meals, sleep well, get children to and from various activities such as school, sports, and playdates on time and regularly, and spend quality time together and with friends and family members in a balanced and harmonious way. Disagreements are met with clear and open communication where resolutions to problems are more common than not. There is emotional transparency and true intimacy, a very apparent loving connection between the partners, and a calm and peaceful way of relating to one another. Jealousy, loud fights that may or may not involve chairs or fists flying, lying and hiding from the other as a form of protection, and general dis-ease within the relationship is not the main ingredient in healthy relationships.

When two people come together who have not worked on their traumas, healed from their past issues in previous relationships, or who have subconscious limiting beliefs stemming from trauma that are still active such as, “I don’t matter,” “I am not worthy of healthy love," or “I am not good enough” for example, it can create havoc in the relationship. When attachment was ruptured as a little one and attachment styles are flaring and one person is anxious and the other is avoidant, this creates a lot of insecurity within the couple. If one of them has been hurt by past loves emotionally, physically, or verbally or if one of the people was vulnerable in past relationships and was rejected for it and they have not healed these issues within themselves, they run the risk of coming into to this relationship with a lot of excess baggage.

This baggage creates blocks to love within the relationship and makes it very hard to know which end is up most of the time or how to be interdependent. It becomes very confusing about what each other’s intentions are, if one person is out to “get” the other, or if one of them will lie, cheat, or leave the other one. And, if one or both of the people has an active belief that they are unworthy or don’t matter very much, it can take on a life of its own. Limiting beliefs that go unrecognized and changed often do run our lives and how to interact with others in every area of our lives. Our closest relationships are no exception. A codependency forms when both parties enter into a bartering system whereby both of them do whatever it takes to help the other one function. Typically, it looks like one partner is over-functioning and the other ends up under-functioning. Roles can be reversed, but in general, one person ends up taking on too much responsibility for the other partner while the other partner gives up to a degree and lets them take over as their caregiver.

The Roles of The Over-Functioner and The Under-Functioner

When one person energetically senses that the other one cannot function without them, that their partner will become lost, suicidal, or fall apart completely if they are ever left on their own, and who needs constant attention and validation in order to function well, he or she can unconsciously become the caretaker of their partner. When the other partner senses that he or she will now finally be safe and secure, they let their guard down and they actually often will rise to the occasion and thrive. They have a sort of pretend sense of peace and calm because their nervous systems have now started to relax into this idea that they will finally be taken care of and that they are loved and safe. This puts an extreme burden on the one who is over-functioning and it takes a tremendous toll. However, their nervous systems also feel a sense of pretend peace and calm in knowing that they are able to help their partner feel good and safe. Because both are operating from their trauma, however, neither one of them is actually operating from a healthy and calm nervous system. There is actually a lot of stress happening for them underneath that can be contributing to health issues down the line. The burden of taking care of another grown human is not only not okay to be doing, but it lessens your life span. We are not made to fix other people’s issues. We fix our own and hold space or support others, but not function FOR them. I like to say that it’s not my job to be changing a grown adult’s diapers. The very personal journey toward healing is scary, painful, and wonderfully beautiful and freeing and no one should be kept from doing their own inner work. The over-functioner enables their under-functioner to stay stuck in a childlike place simply to avoid feeling shame and guilt about not doing “more” for their under-functioner.

When the over-functioning one has moments of needing to do things for herself or isn’t around or as available for the under-functioning partner, the under-functioning partner will not do well. This creates a lot of anxiety for the over-functioning partner who has, on some level, made it her “job” to caregive her adult partner and “make sure” that he or she is always feeling good. Talk about stress! Everyone has moments when they need space in their relationships. They need to be able to read a book they like or have alone time to think, reflect, journal, or exercise, run errands and drive in the car all alone on a weekend day. This helps any healthy relationship thrive. The more I am away, doing for myself, the more I have to contribute to my relationship. I am able to fill my own cup so that I have more to offer. You know, it’s like the airplane analogy. How can I help you survive if I am dead? I have to put on my air bag first and THEN I can help you. When I don’t get any time alone because I am chained to a grown person who cannot function for five minutes without me, I become burned out, resentful, and bitter.

When someone who is an over-functioner also has a deep belief that they don’t matter or are less important in some way than their partner and other people, they will eagerly work over-time to prove they mean something and are good, loyal, and hardworking. They hope to “earn” the love and appreciation from their under-functioner. They likely worked hard for Mom or Dad and never got any praise or acknowledgement for their efforts, so they hope that this time they will finally get their just deserts. This works very well for the under-functioner. This person often has been so wounded in life, from a very early age, and they are simply so tired of working hard to make people care about them and proving to the world that they are good enough that they really love the attention and having someone who is willing to do for them for once that they just drink this up. This actually helps them function better in many ways since they no longer have to prove anything. They can now have the life they always wanted and finally be free to be carefree and happy. They feel a little safer and calmer—so long as the over-functioner makes sure to always make it this way for them.

The Truth of This Kind of Relationship is Both Pretty and Not So Pretty

Maybe this seems like a workable relationship for the over-functioner and it is often the case that many if not most relationships on the planet operate like this. But this is a recipe for disaster. Not only is their mental, physical, and emotional health on the line, but if they decide they need to end the relationship with the under-functioner because they are becoming too unhealthy, the relationship has turned abusive in any way, they cannot have any amount of freedom or space, they are losing who they are at their core, they are not allowed to have any friends and their family has become isolated from them, or if they are just so resentful and bitter from all of the over-time they have been doing for years and they NEED to find themself again, the under-functioner will make it very hard for them to leave. The under-functioner will pull out all the stops to ensure that they stay. Here come those crocodile tears. The curtain rises and he’s ON! They will not be able to handle their health and might have issues with food or weight, they might become chronically or mentally ill, they may increase their substance usage, become sexual risk-takers as a way to punish them or simply because this is a coping mechanism for them, not be able to keep on top of their household chores, could lose their job, neglect their kids, or they might simply remind them of the commitment they made to them, how they are a bad person for lying and making them think they would be there forever, or try any number of manipulative tactics to control them. To be clear, these issues were always there under the surface. The under-functioner may have had such deep developmental trauma and abandonment issues that it may have led to Bipolar, Narcissistic, or Borderline Personality disorders or they might be clinically depressed or have General Anxiety Disorder. Whether this is the case or not, they likely did not heal enough to be able to function well in the relationship (without the constant attention of the over-functioner) and certainly even less after it ended.

The fact that the over-functioner over-functioned was because, on some level, they saw that the under-functioner person had some emotional instability and it likely scared them into submission. It might have reminded them of an unstable, emotionally unavailable, neglectful, mentally ill, or addicted parent that they had to please and earn love from, take care of emotionally, or take cover from when they were little. They figured out how to navigate that situation well and to keep themself safe and alive and they certainly don’t want to repeat that again, so they do the same things they did with their Mom or Dad in this relationship now. It is quite normal for us to gravitate toward people who are similar to our parents, even if logically we think we’d never in a million years want that kind of person as our partner. We are actually usually very sexually attracted to and interested in someone who reminds us of this energy. Sexual energy is just energy, but it is a very powerful one that is creative and loaded with self-worth or lack of self-worth aspects among other aspects. This does not mean that you are sexually attracted to your parents. It means that there is healing to do on an energetic/emotional and nervous system level and we are always drawn to people in a really sexual or very interested way when there is much to see and to heal from within ourselves. People are always mirroring to us our fears, our love, our patterns, and our emotional states, which is a GREAT thing. It really helps us when we can look at life this way. Everyone is literally here to help us overcome our past issues and be happy. The problem is that we blame those mirrors instead of looking past that and seeing what we need to see to heal. And our biggest mirrors are the ones with our closest love relationships. Remember that all of this is happening unconsciously and on an energetic and emotional level. This is happening on the level of your body—your nervous system. And I don’t know about you, but I have never been able to control my nervous system. It does its own thing. However, it can be healed, which is the awesome thing.

The guilt the over-functioner feels about abandoning or not being enough for the under-functioner is palpable. This guilt stems from times in childhood when she simply could not save her parents from their own downfall. She was a little child and had no tools, but she tried hard to save Mom or Dad in order to be taken care of and so that she would not die. It was simply a survival instinct that she needed then, but that she does not need anymore. She became codependent with her parent. She saw that she could effectively “control” her parent’s life to some degree. She offered her parent “peace” and love. In return, and because she had now entered into a bartering system with her parent, she would be taken care of. All she had to do was play the part, keep everyone happy, and put all the fires out every. single. day. And when she grew up, she married her “parent” and did the same kind of bartering with her spouse as she did with her parent. She does not choose herself. She does not even know how or why she would. She believes that life is about getting from A to Z in one piece and then falling down dead in her living room from exhaustion and regret. But, in her mind, she did the RIGHT thing by carrying the weight of someone else’s problems. She never really got the accolades she wanted from her parents or from her partner. Maybe in Heaven she will. Do you think? If she believes in Heaven and Hell, maybe she will even believe she is going to Hell for “not doing enough” for anyone. Maybe her partner twisted things and told her that THEY were the one who did everything for her. This is the saddest part for the codependent over-functioner. There is truly not enough she can do to please and save and help the under-functioner. Never ever. The reality is that, in the end, she actually didn’t save anyone. The even sadder reality is the truth that if she was gone, the under-functioner would spend almost no time at all finding her replacement.

When trading is the only currency the under-functioner has, they will spend no time at all finding someone to trade with. For the under-functioner, it is simply life or death. It’s the hustle. To feel any sense of abandonment or being alone and stranded in the world would cause him to go into extreme nervous system dysregulation. No one wants to feel that way, so very often, people find ways to cope. And finding another over-functioning pleaser to be codependent with is the answer for someone who is unable or unwilling to heal. And to be sure, they have not healed anything at all while the over-functioner was busy doing for them. They might have said they were healed or that they were doing some inner work or that they had no work to do and were “just fine”, but if they cannot function when the over-functioner takes a drive in the car by herself, then they have not healed. Period.

“If you knew how quickly people forget the dead, you would stop living to impress people.”

-Christopher Walken

How Can We Change This?

The only way to change this is to become aware of and to heal your past. Seriously. You cannot enter into a healthy, happy productive, and loving relationship with anyone as long as you have not let go of the past unhealthy patterns, pain, limiting beliefs, and experiences you are carrying that are clogging up your ability to see what is good and healthy for you. You will never get the love and care you needed from your traumatizing parents from another person, no matter (and especially if) they seem like and are similar to your traumatizing parents. You can go around and around on the hamster wheel forever if you want to with this person, but if you want to truly stop this ride, you will have to jump off and get healthy. That does not mean the other one will choose to get healthy, but saving yourself is your job in this life. Healing and being free from toxic patterning, being at peace inside yourself, and being a kind friend and neighbor—setting the example to others of how self-love looks—is a wonderful mission for this planet. Staying in poisonous dynamics to try to “get” to a healthy and loving place with a partner who also needs to heal, is not only killing you physically but is taking away your inner peace and creating discord in the world. When we carry around past and present pain, we simply can’t be good to ourselves. We don’t have the cup filled with self-love to extend to others and we all stay sick and fighting with ourselves and each other. Sometimes, we choose not to get healthy because we feel afraid that if we do and that if we have to actually see and “know” that the under-functioner is someone unhealthy who we cannot really stay with, it brings up guilt knowing we will have to leave them. This is something to reflect on and come to terms with. Yes, there is a very real chance that if you heal and change, your partner will not like it and you will have to face this kind of guilt (which is actually shame about not “being a good person”). Hard decisions are in order, but staying there, dying a slow death drinking arsenic every day, is not necessarily a better option.

Adults are resilient and resourceful and can get help if they choose to. Look at your life right now. I bet you know how to manage pretty well or you would not be here reading this article. I bet you know how to function more or less pretty well each day and hold a job, feed yourself, and do social things fairly well. Right? But is that enough? Are you genuinely happy in your life or are you doing things just to get by until you are fitted for your casket? You CAN choose yourself now. You no longer need the same kinds of survival skills you needed back then. You don’t need to over-function in order to be happy. You don’t need to go to extremes anymore. I promise you that if you are an over-functioner and are terrified of hurting your under-functioner by choosing yourself over their constant needs that everyone will end up okay. You will be setting the tone for what it means to truly love yourself and your partner can also choose to do the same if they want to. It’s the very best thing we can do--the best gift we can give—to heal and love ourselves, to stand firmly in our truth, and to be peaceful, free, and happy. It is not selfish to choose your peace. Peace begets peace.

I help people learn how to come back into balance in their nervous systems and to find the TRUE peace that every human has inside of them. True peace does not mean performing for anyone else. It can be a balanced give and take with others, and not a one-sided relationship in order to have others think you are “good enough.” Let’s all work toward knowing deeply that we are all good enough regardless of what anyone else thinks. The world will truly thrive that way.

Which do you choose? Can you make the decision to choose yourself now?