In Love, Respect is About Consistency
In love relationships, disrespect is one sign of someone not truly and consistently loving you.
Have you ever been in true love with someone? If so, you probably remember how kind, loving, and attentive that person was. I bet they showed you ample amounts of respect, too. You might recall that the respect was also consistent. It was not hot or cold. It was not intermittent. You might have had arguments or disagreements, but there was no abuse. There was no poor communicating with sarcasm, belittling, contempt, or making you feel less than; no ghosting or abandoning; no silent treatment or stonewalling; no intentional interrupting so that you forgot your points and “lost” the argument. You could resolve the argument quickly and move on to better times with even more love and respect for the other person and yourself than you had before.
True love is filled with respect. True love comes from you loving yourself first and knowing who you are so that you can allow someone you love to spread their wings and be themselves—whether they are in a bad mood, they feel anxious about work or money, are happy and joy-filled, or sad and disappointed about something. When you feel this way about yourself, too, and are easy on yourself when you feel all the ranges of emotions, it is easy to love and fully respect the other person.
When someone you love is not consistently there for you, is not consistently respectful of you, is not consistently in your corner celebrating you—even when they may not agree totally with your perspective—it is lonely. It can make you feel very unhappy and unlovable. It can make you feel judged and unwanted. When someone does not communicate with you consistently and abandons conversations without notice or does not remember important things about you or care about your life, this is very disrespectful and shows that this person does not consistently love or (at a bare minimum) care about you as a person. I bring this up because this seems to be ever-present in the world these days. I am not sure when or why people stopped showing basic human kindness, friendship, and decency, but the amount of outright ghosting for no obvious reason is perplexing and seems to be an epidemic nowadays. It is very harmful for people, but I also know that it is a very powerful way to build self-love as well. And in this sense, it is a pretty great tool. I am not, however, ready to thank these Caspers. Communication is part of my professional background and even a little bit of it goes a long way. I think speaking up and saying something, even if the truth might hurt the other person’s feelings, shows respect for that person and for yourself.
Now, a person who disrespects you and abandons you in some way might care about you in their own way, but how can you know if they don’t tell you and they simply vanish? You absolutely cannot read their mind or know their intentions unless they tell you. Although assuming things about people is not such a great idea, I think it might be in your best interest to assume that this person does not want to have a relationship with you if they cannot even talk to you. This form of abuse is based on needing power and control. It is passive-aggressive behavior and it will never make you feel happy or loved. It is disrespect at its finest if you ask me. So, in this sense, why stick around for more?
I will concede that they might be hurt people who hurt people because of their own fear of love and vulnerability or because they learned as children that love was demonstrated through abuse and by abusing people. That is too bad for them, and I truly do feel sad for their traumatic childhoods or life situations that caused this hurtful behaving. On the other hand, I also believe that most of us were traumatized in one way or another and that it is on every single one of us to get the help we need in order to be healthy and kind to ourselves and others. Period. There is really no excuse anymore. They are adults and they can certainly go and find help for this if they want to.
Usually, however, this kind of person has a lot of shame and does not want to feel that shame, so they will make the other person at fault or responsible for their abusive behaviors (project onto them) and will therefore not seek help. Also, let’s be real here: It is working for them. When you get wise about it (in other words, when you start loving and respecting yourself and SEEING the abuse that you could not see before) and you decide to take off, it’s, sadly, no skin off their hides. All they have to do is find new people pleasing, insecure people with low self-esteem and no self-respect who will allow their abuse and be their scapegoats. Unfortunately, there are still many of us in this world who have not learned how to love ourselves. These new folks are ready to take the abuser’s side against you (called flying monkeys) and the abuser never has to truly own the pain they caused you or even apologize. This works out well for them because then they never have to face their deep inner pain and shame or change.
You being a loving person does not make it so you have to be “above” their poor behavior. This is a very common tactic an abusive person will use in order to manipulate and control you. They will play on your “goodness” in order to be able to continue abusing you. They will also play on your guilt and shame and make you believe you are selfish or bad if you are not loving them unconditionally even when they are hurting you. This is why it will be up to you to decide what is working for you and what is not. And this is very difficult to move away from if you have been groomed from a young age to be others’ doormat or punching bag and to shove your feelings under the rug in order to maintain peace and not cause confrontation.
By loving yourself and putting your feelings and needs first and not being a human punching bag—physically, verbally, or emotionally—you choose yourself. You stop abandoning yourself and you choose to love yourself unconditionally before anyone else. Being consistent with your own self-respect is an action you can take that also proves to yourself that you love yourself. And then you can better see and decide what is truly loving. Is it loving when someone cannot consistently be there for you in words and actions? Does it make you feel happy or unhappy when someone you love shows you any amount of disrespect for any reason at all? Once you have self-respect and self-love, you won’t put up with anything less from anyone. This is when you get to decide what is best for you.
Love Is Never Unkind.
It is my mission and purpose in life to help as many people as possible learn how to love themselves so that we can end the cycles of abuse on this planet once and for all. Self-love is the antidote to all forms of abuse. Please consider booking a Discovery Call with me to see how I can best support you on your journey.
