All You Had to Be Was Kind
And that was, apparently, too much to ask.
Why was it so hard for the person you loved to simply be kind to you? Why was it so hard for them to see your value and worth? Why was everything made into a struggle and a drama at every turn when it could have been simple? It seems like it could have been a really easy, calm, and happy life but your abusive partner could not stop abusing and projecting onto you. And so, it was hard and painful instead.
Are You My Mother?
When two people love each other, it seems like things could be really harmonious, right? Well, unfortunately, people often bring their childhood baggage into their relationships and will very often marry or be with the “parent” who caused them the most difficulty when they were children. All of a sudden, the love that seemed so easy and simple to have becomes a battle ground. This is unconscious until we become aware of our patterns. Until then, we point fingers at the one we love and fight with them until we can no longer stand the sight of the person we were once so in love with and about whom we envisioned the perfect life.
Trauma bonds form as well. When this happens, we also “cement in” the beliefs we adopted as children about ourselves and whatever our families of origin believed about life. From early on, we adopt beliefs around love, our health and body, our intelligence, our connection to a higher power, friendships, our careers, and money. Once we leave our families and find love partners, this can mean digging in more deeply into scarcity mindsets that are driven by beliefs that we are not worthy or deserving of friendships, love, happiness, and money. We might believe that we can’t be healthy or lose weight and that we are not as beautiful, desirable, or as sexy as we thought we were to our partner.
The spiral of fighting that happens in relationships that is coming from the limiting beliefs and false narratives that we have believed about ourselves from the very earliest days of our lives creates confusion in our relationships because we really don’t see that we are simply projecting our negative self-concepts out onto our partner and that they are doing the same thing to us. It becomes a battle ground in the sense that no one really knows who started the fighting and no one knows how to stop it either. One day, someone gets triggered by something the other one said or did that reminds them of how Mom used to say or do it and BAM! We’re off and running! This then becomes a full-on, drag out fight because once that trauma reaction of fighting or fleeing kicks in, the part of the brain that is logical gets completely turned off and all we have now is the emotional part of the brain and all these protective parts of our psyches coming up to protect us from “Mommy’s” wrath from way back when. Only it’s happening now—today. We can’t see the real issue. All we see is red. All we see is how unfairly Mommy treated us and we don’t even see that the person in front of us is NOT Mommy. She is the one we love now. Sure, she might remind us of our mother, but she is not our mother. The reality is that this person might have the qualities our mother has—for better or for worse—and if he or she does not heal the not-so-healthy parts of him- or herself that contribute to the fighting, it could be a disaster for the relationship. The other side of the coin is that you, too, might want to consider healing the parts of yourself that remind you of your mother that are triggered into fight or flight reactions in order to have a chance at saving your relationship or forever be fighting a non-winning fight.
To Be Securely Attached
Often, when we come from abusive or traumatizing families, we have attachment styles that prevent us from feeling secure in ourselves. We might have Anxious/Preoccupied Attachment, Dismissive or Fearful Avoidant Attachment, or Disorganized Attachment styles that keep us feeling inadequate, needy for love, wanting to run from love, or all of the above. When this rupture from early childhood was never repaired, we are hurt people. We do not feel whole or good enough. We feel ashamed of needing love. We feel hungry for love or we just don’t want love at all. We take this into our current life until it is healed.
So, this is a fight with our partner that never gets resolved unless or until at least one of the partners starts to work on their self-concept and build self-love and a secure attachment within themselves. This is when you dig deep and change those limiting beliefs and finally feel confident, calm, compassionate, curious, courageous, creative, connected, and clear about yourself—authentic and whole. This does not ensure that your relationship will be salvaged, however. If both parties are not doing their inner work and are not figuring out the patterns and behaviors they are in and are perpetuating over and over again, then the one who is healing cannot be in the mix anymore with the one who is not healing. It becomes even more painful and glaringly obvious when one is raising their vibration, values, and standards while the other one is still finger-pointing, doing the same dance, and creating the same drama that has been done before. This cycle keeps both people down in the ditch without any chance of getting out of it if the one who is more healed remains trying again and again to help the less healed one. This is a breeding ground for the more healed one to continually go back into emotional, mental, and eventual body illness.
By the Time You Are in Your 40s, You Should Be Doing Your Inner Work—If Not Earlier
Your Past Does Not Stay in The Past Until You Heal It
Time does NOT heal all wounds. Let’s get this straightened out. Just because something happened a long time ago does not mean that it is “over” with. No way. You carry your wounds and your limiting beliefs with you until you face them and change them. That happens whenever you are ready to do it.
Heck, if you are 18, start NOW! Start today. The sooner the better. If you can heal your past now, your life will be that much better going forward. So, why not? If you can get to your inner work before you are in your 40s, the chance of having that mid-life crisis decreases. And if you are in your 40s and having a mid-life crisis, well then, this is your sign that it’s time to figure out why you are doing all these teenlike, rebellious things right now. There really is no excuse anymore for not doing your inner work. I know it seems very scary to go there, but you really have not even left there if you are still running your old, outdated patterns from your childhood in your current relationships.
What happened back then was scary, but you are very resilient and you have survived until now. Nothing like what happened back then will ever happen to you again. So, have someone help you, hold you, hold space for you, or whatever you need, but get to it. Also, if you have become self-aware enough to see your patterns but believe that you may only be projecting your fears, limiting beliefs, false narratives, and anger out onto your spouse and children (which is traumatizing and harmful as it is), think again. You are also doing it at work to bosses, co-workers, and even to friends, or strangers. Additionally, you are even likely doing it to your parents and siblings. It seeps out into every area of your life. How can it not? You have subconscious beliefs that are running your life in the background that are “speaking” for you and “doing your life” for you all the time. Your conscious mind can only control so much. The subconscious mind is ALWAYS awake and doing what it knows works—even if it is messing up your life. All it cares about is keeping you safe and alive, so if you haven’t died from thinking you are unworthy and you are projecting your pain and self-loathing out onto the innocent people in your life, well, okay then. Your subconscious mind says, “Keep going. You’re still safe, so keep it up!”
The idea, however, is to get the subconscious and conscious minds into agreement. We want them both on the same page. If you intend and consciously believe that you are worthy and lovable, but your subconscious mind holds old beliefs that you are not those things, the subconscious mind wins out. And how does someone act who believes on a subconscious level that they are not worthy? They act from scarcity. They act from lack. They are not loving, vulnerable, transparent, or kind to people because, well, hurt people hurt people. That saying is very true. They don’t believe in love. Subconsciously, they believe that they don’t deserve a happy life or a lot of money. They don’t think they are attractive and worth very much. The conscious mind wants you to be happy so it will disagree with the subconscious. And to be fair, the conscious mind is right. You ARE worthy and deserving of all the good things in life. However, as long as the subconscious mind is still in control with those negative beliefs, it wins. If your life is showing up as lack in any way, you can bet that your subconscious mind is still in charge.
Remember that people who feel inner peace act PEACEFULLY toward others yet have healthy boundaries. They are sovereign and free from taking anything personally. They do not say anything indirectly or in a passive-aggressive way because they are comfortable with being completely open and honest without having any fear of being abandoned or rejected. They have healed those wounds and fears. They do not project their old wounds onto others because they have brought to light all the shadows (demons, skeletons, you choose which monster works for you) that would allow them to project onto anyone anything that is hidden from their awareness.
